by Serenity.

Created on: April 25, 2008

Intimate relationships with men have been and remain the ultimate challenge of my life. Divorced many years ago and still single today I continue to go through cycles of insanity that are jarringly close to manic-depressive episodes. My periods of celibacy can last up to several years, although typically they're around 12 to 15 months. I tend to be surprisingly happy, content and productive during these off periods. My strong point has always been female friendships. With other women, I shine. The conversation flows freely, feelings are shared openly and without effort, intimate details are discussed and validated. We rarely feel judged or criticized, we laugh long and hard, usually at ourselves and we have such fun! But,as soul sustaining as my girlfriends are, they cannot provide that raw, sensual pleasure that I still crave. Inevitably, I become lonely for the physical closeness and pseudo-intimacy that only a good solid infatuation can provide. I say pseudo-intimacy and infatuation because that's the delicious, beginning period where hope springs eternal, where the physical attraction far outweighs annoying habits, impossibly different lifestyles and conflicting long- term goals which create obstacles that everyone else can easily see. Except, of course, the two smitten lovers.

One of these days, I will sit down and do a time line; what was going on in my life when I decided to enter into the abyss once again. These liaisons follow a typical pattern; several months of bliss, gradual disillusionment as both myself and my current man become comfortable enough to let ourselves be who we are. After the infatuation stage has run it's course, I, a well educated, intelligent and independent woman, inevitably regress into a vulnerable and fragile eight- year-old. Exit the fun-loving, outgoing adventuress and enter the neurotic, weepy and incredibly sensitive pseudo-woman. This metamorphosis occurs regardless of the characteristics of my current love interest, which leads me- reluctantly to be sure- to the unwanted conclusion that at least part of the responsibility is my own. As someone once said, "Wherever I go, there I am"

The day eventually comes when reality seeps in and the curtain of illusion falls away. Each time, I vow to do it differently. This time I will keep my inner child out of the relationship. That little one is guaranteed to cause major problems. She's so vulnerable and sensitive; always on the verge of tears and quite tiresome to lug around. I

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