I couldn't keep away from him. I was four but he was such a hunk! Mmmmm. Those blue eyes and guess what a big house there was with those tennis courts right at the bottom of that huge garden. But then there was his brother Matthew. I wasn't quite sure about him. No. I'd give him a miss. Ben was so much more attractive with those big beautiful eyes. I must have smiled then in my embarrassing way, but he ran off. Not sure what to do I ran after him.

That was when I was four but this was when I was truly trying so hard to ensure everything went my way.

Ben and Matthew had been my father's girlfriend's sons as from my age of 21. My father told my boyfriend, David at the time that I was stupid and I was told. But was I really. Then another of my boyfriends called David said that I would end up living with the wrong person. I went up and down, not understanding what was happening. Then reality set in. I suffered from severe depression for two years or maybe it was more. I began to suss things out. Not everything was well. I constantly looked on a tarot readers website looking for answers and he advised me that the best people for me to settle with would be those with a D or M or another letter of the alphabet. But why was I becoming really suspicious of this record I had. It had Neil Tennant, a member of the Pet Shop Boys as a member. Just before I had become ill in 1999 I had had a relationship with a Neil where we had become really close. That's when it hit me. My relationship with Neil would never have lasted, as advised by the tarot reader. I would have been up and down like a yoyo not knowing what to do and terribly unhappy.

I dumped the record and ran a different name off the internet (Matthew Tennant). This was going to be the beginning of a new life for me. Things had to change and I slowly saw them

I didn't really understand what happened after that. All I knew was that I should slow down. All I understood was that Reality had struck a cold note. Who did I really want in my life? What did I want to do? I had tried so hard to get a boyfriend, now I didn't want one.

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