by Bethany Vanderzand

Created on: April 24, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

When I was a child, my older sister, Rachael (who is 9 years my senior) was the black sheep - or the outcast of the family. She smoked cigarettes, sneaked out of the house at night to party, dropped out of high school, moved in with her boyfriend, has tattoos, and got pregnant before she was married. My parents would frequently try to guard me against becoming my sister. "Do you want to turn out like Rachael?" they would say. But as far as I had observed, my sister was a bright, talented, beautiful individual who was happy with her life and her decisions.

These days, Rachael is more accepted by the family, having married the father of her children and returned to the church. Now, I am the black sheep, I am the "different" one living the unacceptable lifestyle. In a way, I did turn out like my sister; I smoke cigarettes, dropped out, disobeyed my parents when I lived at home, moved in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband), and have tattoos; however, I, apparently, turned out far worse than she, far worse than my brother (who is a notorious dick), far worse than my crude, redneck brother-in-law, far worse than my cousin, even (who has been convicted of grand theft, and has been sexually active since the age of twelve).

In order for you to fully understand the situation, I must first bring into light the disposition of my family. My family is a small, comfortable unit of God-fearing Christians, good American tax-payers, and republicans, all conformists to mainstream music, mainstream style of dress (with the exception of my brother-in-law who has gauges in his ears), and mainstream thinking. I, on the other hand, am NOT. I am the most horrible, devil-worshipping, sinful heathen in the entire family. I... am a hippie.

At times, it is difficult to understand why I am so negatively looked upon, even when the deeds of others of the family are comparatively worse than mine. But then, I suppose they have redeemable qualities that make them acceptable, whereas I, apparently, have none. I have been a disappoint and a center for gossip and disapproval since middle school - the time in my life when I began to form my own identity instead of assimilating into theirs.

I started to look outside of the Bible for answers concerning God, spirituality, "right" and "wrong". I was taking a stand against authority figures (teachers, parents, any adult who wouldn't listen). I was cutting class, smoking cigarettes, and forming friendships no one approved of because of their appearance

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