by Jeff Johns

Created on: April 24, 2008   Last Updated: February 25, 2010

Ah, the love song. When it’s done right, it can stir emotions, set the mood and sometimes even move mountains! However when it’s done wrong it can cause teeth grinding, hysterical screams and even vile bodily functions. It is those teeth grinders that are the focus of today’s musical journey into the worst love songs and what makes them bad.

20. Chevy Van- Sammy Johns- (No relation, at least none I’d be willing to admit) How this ever became a staple of AM radio is a mystery to me, as Sammy croons of his conquest of hitchhiker chick in the back of his love den on wheels. Lyrics like, “like a princess I can see her lying there, moonlight playing off her hair,” are enough to bring up this morning’s breakfast.

19. If- Bread- Tough choice to narrow it down to one song from the Bread discography, but the clincher was the lyric “if the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die.” Is this supposed to be a love song or a sign of the end times?!

18. Longer- Dan Fogelberg- God rest his soul, but what the heck was old Dan thinking when he came up with the line, “deeper than any forest primeval, I am in love with you.” Can you see it now, battling lyricist block, struggling to come up with something really, really deep, he comes up with a forest primeval! Yes! That’s the ticket!

17. Babe and Lady- Styx- Not to pile on too many singer songwriters, here proof that even rock bands can crank out really awful love songs, in fact a double dose from Styx. These songs are so lame they actually start to blend together! “Babe I’m leaving I must be on my way…just touch me and my troubles abade.” Huh? Abade? When did Tommy Shaw become a knight of the round table?

16. Muskrat Love- Captain and Tennille- While it seems that the guys have cornered the worst love song market, and The Captain, is likely responsible for this god awful abomination, I can only wonder what the heck Toni Tennille was thinking when she agreed to sing about Muskrat Susie and Muskrat Sam over the Captain’s piano tinkling!

15. Rosanna- Toto- Studio aces turned hit makers, Toto went off the celebrity deep end with this ode to a day, morning, afternoon and night with actress Rosanna Arquette.

14. Let Her In- John Travolta- Before he hit it big on the Saturday Night Fever dance floor, Travolta was one of Mr. Kotter’s Sweathogs who became a double threat with juicy slab of schlock.

13. Don’t

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