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I am schizo-affective- bipolar type. Generally, when you're "like me" and have such a disabling disorder, friends and family advise that when you're meeting a potential relationship partner for the first time, you don't mention the fact that you've got this disorder that affects your life so much. "Why would you want to scare them away like that?"

In my opinion, it's the very first thing that should be told. My schizo affective disorder is probably the biggest part of my life. It affects my life daily life more than anything else. My mood changes on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. It affects everything from the time I open my eyes in the morning to the time I close them at night. If the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with can't accept that fact from day one, why should I even bother to continue with them?

And so when I met my now-fiance for the first time, that was the first thing that I told him. Surprisingly enough, it didn't scare him away. In fact, he did research; lots of research, about 10 hours worth, on-line. I tried to get it to scare him away- I was convinced, and still remain that way sometimes, that he just can't make it with me. But he stuck by me and continues to do so. He consistently tells me that he's not going anywhere.

When we first met I was on the hypo-manic side. We were so happy together, and always had so much fun. We were always cuddling, and couldn't separate from each other. I loved it, he loved it. I guess people may call that the "honeymoon period". Not to say that we're less happy now. It's me that's less happy.

I've entered a depressive state. It's been long- and long- and longer. The more depressed I get, the more I believe I don't deserve to be loved. The more I believe he won't want to stay with me. The more I feel like we're straying from each other.

I don't have the energy to do dishes, to clean, to work, to go to school. I feel as though I contribute nothing.

I have become paranoid. I truly believe that he loves me less. We just moved into a new apartment and when I arrange something and he says he doesn't like it that way it breaks my heart. When his friend was helping us move, I was convinced they were talking about me. Maybe not his friend, but I was convinced my fiance was mad at me and talking behind my back.

I still feel like things are off. I try to tell myself it's me, but there's an unexplainable anger inside. Is it really me that's causing this trouble? Is there any trouble? Will we make it?

They say that 90% of bipolar marriages end of divorce. Why is that? It must be because of the paranoid, moody bipolar spouses- the ones like I will soon become. I'm trying to stop myself from becoming just that.

As hopeless as it seems sometimes, I look toward our favorite song by Michael Buble for comfort, "I hardly recognized the girl you are today - And god I hope it's not too late - It's not too late - 'Cause you are not alone - I'm always there with you - And we'll get lost together - Till the light comes pouring through..." I do believe that through communication and be sticking together, marriages with mentally ill spouses can make it. It just requires a lot of work on both sides.

Learn more about this author, Meagan Ratcliff.
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