by Valerie Kelly

Created on: April 23, 2008   Last Updated: November 03, 2009

My past definitely controls my life, for it is my identity and it stretches back in a kaleidoscope of wonderful memories.

Most of the people that have contributed to a very fortunate existence have gone, so yes I do spend quite a lot of time visiting Memory Lane. It fills me with warm and tender feelings that wrap around like a comfort blanket, empowering the new day and hopefully conveying years of experience to family and up and coming new generations - I have five grandsons ranging from the age of 11 to 22, so having a lot to do with their lives means there's a lot of time spent in the present too.

Missing my other half is a big problem- he's been gone now for three years and the loss feels greater not smaller. I know that there are many Merry Widows out there that have felt released by the death of their other half and feel great to be out on the matchmaking scene again. I wish that I could feel like that but it just isn't going to happen. Even a lovely guy that I met on Match.com couldn't dispel my hankering for the past and the gorgeous boy I'd left behind..

Don't get me wrong my life is very full and I try to do something constructive every day, like joining a charity group that tries to help local people in need. At least when you're doing something for someone else you don't have time to feel sorry for yourself. There's three elderly ladies that I keep an eye on [ that's a bit of a joke because one is younger than me! ].They are all fiercely independent and desperately trying to keep their self sufficiency going. One of them is ninety five and completely awe inspiring. She doesn't bother too much with dwelling on the past - she's far too busy going out and about every day on her electric scooter. What a woman!

Telling yourself over and over again, how lucky you are, doesn't take away the crushing loneliness that overtakes you in the wee small hours though. The really strange twist to my story is that my other half and I were very incompatible - always arguing about the most stupid things [ how I wish he were here now to row with. ] Then life and people are a strange old mix, who knows what makes us tick?

Everything is a paradox really isn't it? I can still enjoy all that life showers on me - The beauty of youth - the garden putting out it's new virgin buds yet again - raucous laughter and my grandsons irreverent humour - new life.

All this - but deep down I reach out and yearn for those bygone days.

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