by Tim Beyers

Created on: April 23, 2008

Are You a Counter-Cultural Parent?

I'm a hippie.

No, not that sort of hippie. You'll find no Birkenstocks in my clothes closet. My last tie-dyed tee shirt was dunked some 20 years ago, in college, around the same time I last attended a Grateful Dead concert.

Were I to walk by you on the street today, in my jeans, polo shirt, and trimmed hair, you'd likely label me a member of the establishment. You would, of course, be wrong.

I'm the dictionary definition of a hippie. According to Webster's, a hippie is "a usually young person who rejects the mores of established society."

That's me - a 38-year-old counter-cultural parent who refuses to adopt conventional thinking in raising my three children. To wit:

1. My three children will address you with a title of respect, Mr. or Mrs. in most cases. Chances you aren't going to like this. My apologies. But the very act of keeping my children safe forces me to establish rules of behavior, which can only be enforced when I, and those I empower, have authority.

2. Obedience is more important than happiness. As adults, we obey. We obey the rules of the road or get a ticket. We obey the laws of the land or go to jail. We obey the laws of physics or suffer injury. Obedience, therefore, is a survival skill. As Dad, it is my duty to teach it.

3. Admitting failure is extremely powerful because authority without humility is meaningless. When I fail - and I will, as will you - it is crucial that I ask for forgiveness. For when I do, I demonstrate what humility looks like and, more importantly, that I am worthy of the respect that I demand.

4. Forgiveness is far more important than punishment. Similarly, when my child errs and asks for forgiveness, I must give it freely and with love. Bad behavior happens. Mistakes, too. My children need to know that my love extends well beyond these temporary tribulations.

5. Marriage, and therefore family, is a commitment. Were my wife and I to dissolve ours we'd be unintentionally demonstrating that our word isn't really our bond, that love doesn't conquer all, and that promises, however serious, don't matter as much as we claim.

6. Lying is worse than stealing. Trust is the means by which all human relationships are governed, especially families. Thus, when my kids lie to me, they demonstrate that they don't trust my judgment, which, in turn, courts an unhealthy suspicion within the family. Making restitution for broken trust is far more difficult than it is to earn a few dollars to repay the local grocer for a bag of stolen candy.

7. Stuff doesn't matter; people do. Talk about counter-cultural. Only now, with a recession upon us, have Americans stopped spending more than we earn. ($5.7 billion more in January, for example, according to the Commerce Department.) Overspending is unsustainable and gadgets never last. Good memories and deep relationships, by contrast, often do.

America is certainly one of the best places in the world to raise a family. But that may be more about our latent economic advantages than our culture, which too often breeds selfishness and contempt for others. Ask any reality show contestant.

Till that changes, I'll remain a hippie. Counter-culture to the core.

Peace.

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