Finally! A serious topic. I, for one, am a library groupie/dweller. Wuv, wuv, wuv the place; that is to say that my feelings for these refuges of knowledge, hope, dream, fantasy and assumed wisdom run just slightly less intense than Love, Love, Love. So if you want to annoy me and my brethren, let me offer ten quick tips to assure dirty sideways glances, rolling eyes and the occasional tight-lipped reprimand hissed in your direction:
1. The Home Office...at the Library.
Stroll in, briefcase and papers in hand. Litter the table with your papers, leather-laptop satchel, and a couple thick books for looks. Now, the problem is not the scene unfolding here. The problem is the conference calls you insist on holding.
2. The Deaf Parent...at the Library.
The Christian Bible tells us to, "Suffer the little children..." But, crying babies kill the vibe as much as the unattended car alarm. If your precious doesn't come with a remote, and you refuse to take your bundle of joy outside, you're well on the road to annoying even the best of us. *
3. The Parentless...at the Library.
Now, let me preface this with the fact that the majority of unaccompanied minors know how to act courteously. Now, let me follow that up with the fact that the preceding statement is a total and complete lie if kids are in groups of 2 or more. (Hey, I understand the intoxicating power of peers, even as an adult!) One of the absolute best ways to annoy us Library Dwellers is to leave your litter of tweens/teens and their friends behind, while you peel off, leaving only the screech of tires and your maniacal laughter trailing behind you. Most adults are scared of today's kids (much less "funny" than "true".) Because of that, this technique is not only annoying, but also frustrating and a little humiliating. Kudos.
4. The Hover-er...at the Library.
For those familiar with the free use of computers at most libraries, you may know that the use is limited to about one hour. Many times, you are also aware of the person sitting nearby waiting to scoot you off your computer as soon as your period is up. You can identify this person by the following: (a) frequent glances thrown your direction, followed by a slow swing of the eyes towards the big clock on the wall overhead. (b) Obnoxious sighs, prompting you to remove yourself, sooner. And, some even resort to (c) the dreaded "throat clear". Note, if this person then begins staring holes in the back of your head, RUN...'cause it's probably me.
5. The Keyboard Player...at the Library.
There are people who play the computer's keyboard far more intensely than any concert pianist. They fall into two categories: (1) machine guns and (2) canons. Machine guns type as if the keyboard is their enemy, to be beat into submission. You hear the keyboards cry a million miles away. Their assailant's shots ring throughout the open areas and to the Heavens above. The next group is the Canons. Pray for these, for they are often both silently pitied and hated. These are the key-pickers who type one l-e-t-t-e-r at a time. But, they have determined to make each one count. KaPow!
6. The Blow Horn...at the Library.
Our frail human bodies get germs all the time, so colds are nothing new even to the most faithful Library Dweller. Coughing, sneezing, congestion is acceptable. Yes, the snoot's toot is understood. But, when your nose could send off ships, or causes criminals to take off running, imagine its affects on the land-dweller and law-abiding. For worst results, repeat often and with increasing length. Couple this with number 8 and you're a crowd a favorite.
7. Stink...at the Library.
Quite simply, don't bathe. If you want a room to yourself, this is the way to go. Even better, sit in one of the most comfortable and popular chairs, so we can imagine the funk sinking in and latching onto the fibers. Thanks for sharing.
8. The other Blow horn...at the Library.
This is an obvious one, right? Snoring your way into the Guinness World Book of Records is one way to get that book flung right at you. Understandably, the very nature of the space-its quiet, peace and serenity-can make us all feel a little like Dorothy, lulled to sleep in the deadly poppy field. But, Dorothy's deviated septum would have been a blessing in that case. In the library...not so much.
9. The Boom Box...at the Library.
Kind of like those drivers who blare their music because, of course, everyone wants to be part of their fun. Headphones' purpose becomes pretty useless when you turn your music up to decimal 100. The benefit to this tactic is that you will never hear anyone complain. Nor will you hear anything else, for that matter.
10. XXX Does NOT Mark the Spot...at the Library.
As much as you like seeing the naked girls, we don't like seeing you see them. You're not that sexy. And, after that, you're not even appealing. This is not a tactic. This is just true.
So, there you go. Ten ways to annoy the serious minded Library Dweller. I will now warn the Others of your impending visit.
Beware.
*This scripture is shortened and taken out of context. Please refer to Matt. 19:14 of the Bible for full text.