by Brian Jeffiers

Created on: April 22, 2008

I found myself yesterday trying to stay entertained in line at the pharmacy. There are few places with as little to do as a pharmacy line, so I found my eyes wandering to the huge array of dietary supplements all around me. There are supplements for everything coming and going, and one that seemed most numerous was osteoporosis.

Now, I hate osteoporosis. It troubled my grandmother, and my milk-hating mother is forever on her toes watching her calcium intake. And from what I see in the pharmaceutical world, she's not alone. The shelves around me were covered with them. Paul Harvey hawks a supplement. Antacids brag that they contain calcium. (I have considerable concerns with the diet of anyone who eats so many Tums that she improves her calcium intake. Maybe she thinks milk is red and comes in a bottle marked TABASCO.)

Aside from all these "munch your own" dietary aids, there are plenty of prescription calcium supplements to be had. It is an ad for one of those that came to me as I stood in line.
You've seen it, I'm sure. It's on TV about every eight minutes. It features a prominent film and television actress talking about the calcium supplement she takes, whose main benefit is that you only have to take it once a month. That's the advantage. That is what the PharmaMediDrugTherapeuTastic Company gave Madison Avenue to work with. You take it once a month.

And at first, that sounds good to me. I don't take a calcium supplement, so I have no idea what the usual dosage is. So at first, I said to myself, "Good for them. This will help people stay on schedule with their medication. Good for them." I'm thinking about elderly folks I know, with those cursed little daily medicine dispensers, crammed like a tiny cereal bowl with a multicolored allocation for S, M, T, W, T, F, and S. "One less pill to count out!" I said to myself. "Maybe more! Maybe these things are two a day, or even three! What a great product! Tell me more!"

They do. The actress proceeds to point out, "My girlfriend was telling me that she has to set aside time every week to take her calcium supplement."

Once a week? That's it? Is that a big disruption in her schedule? She has to "set aside time" once a week for that? I'd like to meet the person for whom dropping a tiny pill in her mouth every Saturday morning represents a serious disruption to her schedule. I'd like to eavesdrop on her phone conversations:

"Hello?"
"Margaret! It's Ella! How are things?"
"Good, dear. How are you?"
"Super! Listen, some of our old gang is heading to the mall this morning. Are you in?"
"Gosh, I'd love to, but I can't today. I have to take my calcium supplement."
"Do you have to go to the doctor for that?"
"No, I just have to take my pill."
"You don't have time to go to the mall because you're taking a pill?"
"No."
"My gosh, Margaret, just take the pill and come on!"
"It's not that simple. First, I have to go to the kitchen. Then, I have to get the bottle out of the cabinet. You have to keep it out of reach of children, you know. And that cabinet is tall, so I'll have to get that stepstool my nephew gave me. And sometimes the cough medicine or Wayne's ED medicine will be in front of my medicine, and sometimes when I see that ED medicine I can only think of one thing, and before you know it, it's 2 o'clock and Wayne's back is hurt"

I bet Margaret doesn't have a lot of friends. But I bet Wayne hopes she never sees that commercial and cuts him down to once a month.

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