by Jeff Tompkins

Created on: April 22, 2008

I'm sure we all have warm memories of the day when it was possible to call a company and an actual member of the human species would answer the phone by saying, "Thank you for calling [company name]. How may I direct your call?" That day is history. In fact, I just checked the Bureau of Labor Statistics webpage and that day was Wednesday, September 27, 1995.

In the era of automation, when nearly everything is done by computer or some other electronic device, even phone calls are answered by machines. All of this is to ensure that we, the consumers, receive more efficient customer service. Right?

Wrong. Precious hours of our lives that could be spent doing something useful are instead wasted as we navigate our way through corporations' labyrinthine automated telephonic customer "service" systems. The calls usually go something like this:

Press 1 if you are an existing customer. Press 2 if you would like to receive information on our products and services. Thank you. You selected 1. If this is correct, please press 2.

Thank you. Press 1 for customer support. Press 2 for billing questions. Press 3 to return to the previous menu. Thank you. This call may be recorded for quality control purposes.

Press 1 if your product is not working. Press 2 if your product is working.

You selected 1. If this is correct, press 5. Thank you. Press 1 if your product has never worked. Press 2 if your product worked until yesterday around dinnertime.

You selected 1. If this is correct, please press the pound key. Thank you. We here at [company name] are committed to delivering the fastest and most customer-friendly service. Please hold.

(Three minutes of soft piano music)

Press 1 if your product is still not working. Press 2 if your product started working during the soft piano music.

I'm sorry. I did not recognize that entry. Please try again. Press 1 if your product is still not working. Press 2.

Thank you. Please hold while we connect your call.

(More piano music, plus several enthusiastic advertisements for some of the company's other "fine products")

Press 1 if you have your product's serial number. Press 2 if you do not.

You indicated that you do not have your product's serial number. If this is correct, press 1. Thank you. Since you do not have your product's serial number, please locate it and press 2 when ready.

Thank you. For security purposes, please confirm your account by entering the last four digits of your Social Security number, followed by the star key. Thank you. For verification

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