by Jeff Tompkins

Created on: April 21, 2008

If you're wondering what you can do to survive a terrorist attack, the U.S. government has some ideas and they have compiled them in a pocket-sized text cleverly titled: The U.S. Government Guide To Surviving Terrorism. The cover advertises: "Compiled from official U.S. government documents." I point that out to assure you that I am not making up any of the recommendations quoted throughout the rest of this column. Really. I'm not. I wish I were (and you, too, will wish the same when you read them) but I'm not. Sorry.

Several times in the document, the experts advise that each person should carry a whistle. This makes sense if you are trapped in a pile of rubble, sure, but apparently they're recommending the whistle so that you are properly equipped to alert others to a terrorist attack. If an attack in the form of, say, a huge building exploding doesn't get the attention of those nearby, I'm not sure a whistle is going to be of much help. It probably won't lead to summoning more ambulances or the National Guard. As best I can figure, the only thing it will lead to is a group of people pointing and saying, "That building just blew up! And look at that idiot blowing a whistle!" This could also create confusion at sporting events. Are the refs calling pass interference or announcing a WMD attack?

In the section that deals with making your home safer, the guide advises, "Don't provide information to potential terrorists via the mail, phone, computer or trashcan." Warning about the first three methods of communication makes senseif you have a terrorist pen-pal, or if you regularly speak with terrorists on the phone. It's the trashcan thing that I find curious. Of course, they are talking about being careful about what you discard, like items containing personal information, but do we have terrorists roaming around the country picking through people's trashcans? Maybe that's why they hate us. They don't want to attack us for political or religious reasons; they're angry at us because they can't go Dumpster-diving without getting slimy food residue all over their clothing.

For deterrent purposes, the guide recommends that we "consider guards, perhaps in the form of pets or weapons (but make sure you are properly licensed)." How about a combination? An armed dog, for instance. Of course, the licensing might be difficult, so just train your dog to blow a whistle. This will confuse terrorists, and you can run away, perhaps to a neighbor's house. Just make sure to choose

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>