Teenagers are an entirely different species than most that inhabit the earth, or so it appears to rational adults. Many of us have forgotten those angst-filled days and the emotional roller-coaster that accompanies those years, from roughly age twelve to age nineteen, and sometimes beyond.
Children need to be taught independence before they can be allowed to experimentally leave the nest. A child should be taught responsibility and accountability and decision-making, besides the basics of self-care and even financial familiarity, long before being allowed much freedom at all.
Suppose you have done all these things and your teenager begins exhibiting signs of chafing at his particular restrictions do you allow him to go his own way, do you allow him to make all his own decisions? Many parents do just this, and they are often left to wonder where they went wrong, what else they could have done to ensure a smooth transition to adulthood for their child.
Teenagers need restrictions. Some may need a curfew, some even need a bedtime. They need rules to follow, still, even though they may be taller and stronger than you. Of course rules mean that parents care - we've all heard that. And kids believe it as well - but that doesn't mean they like having those rules!
Many teenagers push the limits of curfew (and/or bedtime!); many blow off schoolwork, at least to a point; many talk back and slough off their chores. Most appear selfish and self-centered, at least often enough that parents fear they've raised a monster. But when is "bad" behavior beyond the pale?
When your teenager is rude and disrespectful, to you and to others; when your teenager engages in fairly consistent risky behavior (drugs, alcohol, gangs, etc.); when your teenager gets mixed up with the wrong crowd or shows up on the wrong side of the law - these are times when behavior has moved into a different, more serious, zone.
Perhaps you took no steps to change their behavior or punish them when things began to escalate; perhaps you did, and nothing worked. Every family, every individual, has their own unique breaking points and dividing lines. Every person belongs solely to himself, and what works for one may not work for another. As a parent, you may indeed have tried it all - your child is his own, and he alone is responsible for what he does.
Just recently my son turned fifteen. Prior to this he was a "good kid", he got decent grades (with constant pushing), his friends were all "normal", church-going kids like he was, he had a part-time job, was pleasant, did his chores (with some pushing, again). Just before his birthday, his grades tanked; he became belligerent, rude, thoughtless, and very, very angry. He appeared threatening. He seemed violent. He lied, a lot, about everything. He skipped classes.
We had the police here four times. The state was also involved. He claimed abuse.
We put him in counseling, we had a psych evaluation done; we enrolled our family in intensive home therapy, courtesy of the state. We had reports sent to the juvenile judge. All of this in addition to removing everything from his room except his bed, clothes, furniture, and books, putting him on a study plan, and grounding him from every social activity, as well as his job. We took away Internet access and his cell phone.
Finally, after two months of pure hell, we sent him to a military school.
There are certain advantages to this type of education, but it's certainly not for everyone. This is not a boot camp, or a wilderness camp; it's a top-ranked, private boarding school. Yes, there is a military component and at least half, or more, of the student body is there because they want to be there. Some, like my son, emphatically do not want to be there. He has, however, adjusted. He's doing well. He may return next year at least, as I feel the lessons are only beginning to be learned.
The disadvantages, of course, are sending your child away for the first time - something you may not have been prepared to do for several more years. Cost is another huge factor. For us, having peace in our home was worth it. Having my son be around others who were treated exactly the same, no excuses allowed whatsoever for blowing off studying or participating in drills, meals, reviews, and inspections. At military school he is treated exactly the same as everyone else and, most importantly, it isn't we who have to oversee his punishments for any infraction.
He is learning how the real world works - no favoritism, imagined or otherwise; rules for all; responsibility and accountability.
We do, however, suffer twinges of conscience on occasion. We feel like failures as parents (in spite of raising four other children successfully). We feel sad and burdened by his absence but he "left" us by virtue of his erratic and errant behavior some time before he physically left.
Consistency, firmness, and fairness are all keys to dealing with teenagers and promoting responsible, independent behaviors; and these things should be in place long before a child becomes a teen. The groundwork must be laid, the foundation solidified. And usually, it works. When it does not, decisions must be made to save the child from himself.