by Jeff Tompkins

Created on: April 21, 2008

After the New Hampshire primary, the candidates were all very happy to leave the bitter cold and snow of the Granite State and fly off to more pleasant climes. The Republicans went to South Carolina, where they were greeted bybitter cold and snow. The Democrats went to Nevada where the weather, according to official meteorological data, was: dusty.

In South Carolina, the Republican primary was a race essentially between only two of the candidates: Mike Huckleberry and John "My Friends" McCain. Mitt Romney, who was the first to run TV and radio ads in South Carolina, decided not to campaign in the Palmetto State, and pulled his ads just days before the election. Rumor has it that while the others were campaigning in S.C., Romney was engaged in high-level strategy sessions with his hairdresser.

Rudy Giuliani skipped the S.C. primary in favor of adopting a one-state strategy that calls for him to put all his effort into Florida. Giuliani's thinking is that he has a lot in common with the average Florida voter on issues ranging from taxes to security to the general agreement that being in Florida is better than being in New York.

Mike Huckleberry once again was accompanied on the campaign trail by "actor" Chuck Norris, who was very gracious when he learned that the campaign had also managed to enlist the assistance of wrestler Rick Flair. You're probably thinking that having these two guys in the same auditorium would result in some kind of muscle-flexing contest, but you'd be wrong. Anticipating such an ugly display, campaign officials were able to convince the two that it would not be in their interest to engage in such flaunting because standing on the stage with them would be someone who could outmuscle both of them: Mrs. Huckleberry.

In other politician/actor news, Fred Thompson decided to drop out of the race after a poor showing in South Carolina and will return to acting. Hollywood received the news with glee, as they were heretofore unable to find anyone who could do voice-overs for both Dr. Phil and Foghorn Leghorn with no voice modulation.

Meanwhile, John McCain was busy trying to convince everyone that they were his friends, by repeating the phrase "my friends" 18,832 times during the week, according to the Associated Press. Every once in a while McCain would radically break from his scripted stump speech and say "my dear friends." Political experts agree that this is very annoying. Also annoying and repetitious are McCain's grand total of three jokes that

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