by Kitty Murphy

Created on: April 21, 2008

Most marriages end in private, long before it becomes obvious to the outside world that something is not quite right. It never ceases to amaze me when a couple I thought 'had it all' calls it quits. The human spirit can be stubborn for many different reasons. Some people are afraid of being alone, others do not want to admit they were wrong in choosing their spouse. Some are embarrassed. Many, many people stay together in a loveless marriage, long past the expiration date because they have children, and some are just lazy.

How do you know when your marriage is over? Loss of respect is one of the most obvious and probably the most devastating sign. Little things your spouse does that you used to find endearing, start to really annoy you. You stop spending time together, you don't care or even ask how their day went. You find yourself rolling your eyes when they speak. You are disgusted at their flaws, their physical characteristics, their dirty laundry.

Sex becomes perfunctory if you do it at all. You begin to go to bed at different times, avoiding the bedroom as much as possible. Possibly you sleep apart, making excuses such as 'he snores', or 'she reads too late'. In the next phase, You start to go public. You hear yourself pointing out your spouses flaws to friends and trying to sway them over 'to your side'. You may take separate vacations or go out as a single person. You start to notice members of the opposite sex with interest again. You flirt and daydream, imagining a forbidden fling.

Probably the saddest thing about breaking up a marriage, is the realization that you just don't love your spouse any more. You may have grown apart and have nothing left in common, but it's just plain sad to admit that the love is gone. You know your marriage is over when you are sad a lot of the time. You begin to fantasize about life without the other. You stop making their favorite meals, or stop bringing flowers home. You cease caring about the space you share, and may stop caring about how you appear to them.

Next you start to prepare, at first in your mind, to leave, long before the actual divorce. You may not even have mentioned your feelings to your spouse in so many words, but they hang in the air between the two of you. A dark cloud, a fog that permeates your negative thinking arises with you each morning and you wrap yourself in its dank protective cloak each night. Once your decision is made, you may start getting in shape in anticipation of dating again. You start looking at apartments, your finances, you wonder if you have enough money to survive alone.

Lastly, you begin to pick fights. You try to make your spouse into 'the bad guy' so you will feel justified in bringing up the subject of divorce. You stomp about angrily, full of righteous indignation. All respect is gone, respect for your spouse and finally respect for yourself disappears as well. You cannot recognize your hate filled self in the mirror. Your spouse has become an enemy, the person who stood by you, smiling out at you hopefully from the wedding photo, now just makes you cringe.

It's time to leave. Your marriage is over.

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