The Home Handyman's Intro to Lawn Care and Maintenance

Recently, I've had a bit of a problem with the landscaping around our new house. When we bought the place last winter there wasn't a weed to be found, the lawns looked like the greens at Pebble Beach, and I was resting easy because I now had an in-ground sprinkler system with an automatic timer which meant I only had to turn the water on once a year.

Well, after automatically sprinkling enough water to bring our local reservoir up to its normal, post snow-melt level, the lawns died. In all my infinite stupidity, I decided I had the ability to accurately diagnose the problem. I determined the main problem to be a nasty layer of thatch (which I later discovered is one of nature's best sources of natural compost). Rather than get the wrenches out to lower the wheels on my old lawnmower so my new "Power Rake Blade" (which will de-thatch lawns, front and back, within about 45 minutes) would sit at the correct de-thatching height, I went out and bought a "Cavex". The Cavex is a razor-sharp lawn grooming rake, which when properly used is specifically designed to effectively remove thatch while promoting the rapid, premature deterioration of discs in the lower half of the spine. In concept, this process is not unlike de-furring an Alaskan Malamute with the use of a common pocket comb. After only a week and a half, I had both lawns de-thatched and ready for fertilizer. Naturally I wanted to see some results so I paid $40.00 for a bag of "Yessiree Green". This fertilizer is specifically and scientifically designed for lawns in our area, and is "somewhat" guaranteed to keep the lawns lusciously green all year long with a single application.

Two weeks later, knowing that the fertilizer couldn't have been defective, I paid $24.95 for a "Hydro-aerator". This is a bizarre gardener's implement that looks kind of like a pogo stick without the joint-cushioning springs. You simply attach a garden hose to a fitting on one side, place your foot on a 3-inch steel peg on the other, grab the hand grips and force it into the ground at two foot intervals, with slightly more pressure than would be required to kick-start a 1973 Harley Sportster with a fully-seized engine. Please don't ask me how I am qualified to make this analogy. This amazing tool injects a proper mixture of air and water to the root systems at precisely the correct depth. During the seven to ten-day waiting period for the aerator's results, I paid $16.00

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