by Melinda Clayton

Created on: April 21, 2008

When the phone rang, I picked it up to hear the voice of my son's third grade teacher. She was calling to tell me that my son had become tearful in class. During free time, he was playing chess with some other boys when, after repeatedly asking the boys to lower their voices, the teacher removed the game boards and directed them back to their desks.

"Caleb insists he wasn't the one being loud," she said. "And maybe he wasn't, but in a group of children, it's sometimes impossible to tell exactly which children are the loud ones. He's upset that he was held accountable for something he says he didn't do." I assured her that she had acted appropriately, and told her that I would speak with Caleb when I picked him up from school.

As soon as he jumped in the car, Caleb began to tell me how unfair his teacher had been. I listened to him, and then gently invited him to take a second look at the circumstances. "What did you do when the teacher asked the group to lower their voices?" I asked. "I didn't do anything," he answered. "I wasn't the one being loud."

As we further discussed the incident, I encouraged Caleb to see that he had made choices that had led to his teacher's actions. He could have encouraged the other children to speak more softly. He could have joined another, less rowdy group. Or, as he did, he could have chosen to remain with the rowdy group, and been consequenced as a result.

The lesson that I wanted my son to take from this is that by realizing the part we play in the events that touch our lives, we gain power. I could have commiserated with him and agreed that his teacher was unfair, but by doing so, I would have taught my son that he has no control over the world around him; I would have, in essence, allowed him to feel victimized. I would much rather teach him that we make decisions every minute, indeed, every second, and we are accountable for those decisions, be they good or bad. When we recognize that we are the ones controlling our responses and reactions, we feel empowered.

We're surrounded by a societal movement that, in a failed attempt to increase the self-esteem of our children, instead results in our children having a sense of helplessness, powerlessness, and entitlement. Every child on the team receives a trophy regardless of effort expended. Every child receives a "Terrific Kid" award at school, regardless of performance. We rob our children of the opportunity to connect actions with consequences. We teach our high performers that their

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