by S. Alexander

Created on: April 20, 2008   Last Updated: April 14, 2009

Always confess before you are found out! Tell people about how you goofed so they can learn from your mistakes and everyone can laugh with you instead of at you. Your relatives may pretend not to notice when you accidentally sprinkle cinnamon instead of cumin in the Mexican rice, but no one will be able to keep from gagging when you mistake the powdered sugar for corn starch and use it to thicken beef gravy.

These days I always read the owners manual before using an unfamiliar appliance, but when I was a kid I tended to learn by trial and error instead. The microwave our aunt gave my family was a challenge to operate because of this. I already knew not to put aluminum foil in the device because my brother had tried that at his work place. After the fireworks his coworkers patiently explained to him that the microwave is NOT a toaster oven. I did manage to incinerate a few food items in this new gadget before learning the rest of the rules of proper microwave use. It didn't help that our mother made us hide in another room after we pushed the "start" button because she thought we would be fried by stray radiation. Ignorance about new cooking appliances is definitely not bliss.

Some kitchen mishaps can be life threatening and my father always seemed to be involved in those scenarios. Like the time he accidentally left a Pyrex casserole dish on the stove top where someone had turned on a burner. The glass shrapnel from that little incident still scars the kitchen linoleum to this day. One afternoon he was bored and sharpened all the dull carving knives for the first time in ten years. He didn't bother to tell anyone and my sister almost cut her thumb off. Too many cooks may not spoil the broth but they can make the kitchen a confusing and dangerous place.

My parting gift to you is this nugget of wisdom- "All surfactants are not created equal". I had no idea that dish-washing soap and dish WASHER soap were two entirely different products until I used regular liquid soap to run my first load of machine washed dishes at the age of twelve. After selecting "Normal Wash" I went outside to play. A few minutes later I was startled to hear my father shouting and cursing inside the house. When I found him in the kitchen, he and the dishwasher were both foaming like rabid dogs. Bubbles frothed over the linoleum floor in waves and soaked the particle board cabinets.

After receiving a stern lecture from Dad I tried to forget the horrific scene and move on. That was my second mistake. Several years later when one of my younger brothers was given the responsibility of helping with the dishes he made the same error. As I stood watching the mounds of foam make their inexorable way toward the dining room once more, I knew in my heart that I should have warned him. Now it was too late.

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