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life, blissfully unaware . . .

There was even a period of time where I seriously considered kicking my partner to the curb. Forgive me for admitting this, but I was pretty arrogant and self-righteous about not wanting to deal with the challenge of this uncertainty. He and all of his attendant medical issues were just becoming a gigantic burden to me. I felt that I would be better equipped to handle a legacy of guilt over such a cruel decision rather than witness his painful deterioration and ultimate death.

Most alarming of all was the fact that I was beginning to make colossal mistakes at school.

I had no idea what was happening to me . . . and my Irish Catholic roots had a stranglehold on my soulful voice by admonishing me to WORK HARDER . . .

One day in February of this year, I went to my physician for a routine prescription renewal. She, being the wonderfully intuitive spirit that she is, took one look at me and asked me how I was . . . I don't remember much after that question . . . Suffice it to say that the word "blubbering" would be appropriate.

In a nutshell, she diagnosed me with "Severe Stress Exhaustion" and has put me on a Medical Leave of Absence until September.

Is it normal for a primary caregiver to feel such ambivalence?
My partner seems to be unresponsive to the conventional forms of medical intervention that have been offered so far. As such, he's going to be participating in a clinical trial of an experimental form of chemotherapy starting this week. This new regimen will necessitate his hospitalization for four days and three nights . . . which brings me to a recent insight.

About three weeks ago, my partner was deemed by his oncologist to be well enough to go on a Caribbean cruise with his brother. When the cruise was initially planned, we both assumed that I would still be working and unavailable to go. I prepared myself for two weeks of worry and separation anxiety in his absence, which would be made worse, I thought, by the fact that I was now faced with hour upon hour of unstructured time since I am no longer working.

Unexpectedly, the reverse was true . . . As soon as he left to catch his flight to Fort Lauderdale, a sacred vista opened up before me with the realization that I was going to be "cancer-free" for the next fourteen whole days . . . Imagine . . .

Life very quickly and gently settled into an entirely new rhythm, punctuated every five hours or so by a walk with my dear little dachshund. I gave myself permission to go onto what I

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