by Emma K. Jones

Created on: April 20, 2008

Sobriety: One More Time

I saw my daughter in rehab today. She looked good and was excited to see me. She was comfortable with the supervised visit and had made a lot of new friends. It felt like I hadn't seen her in years even though she's only been there for 6 days.
Later it came to me that I hadn't seen her in years. Not as the woman she was before the drugs became so important to her. There she was clean and sober. Her eyes sparkle with the familiar blue I had known and her cheeks had a healthy glow. She was beautiful. Very different from the lifeless person she had become.

She spoke rationally and with hope, telling me all the things she was learning rather than the woman sobbing on my couch claiming her life after twenty two years meant nothing.
She appreciated my visit and the two packs of gum I gave to her, unlike her typical way of demanding things at anyone's expense.
As I think about it, I wonder if I looked different to her. Did I say supportive words or did I tell her how she should be? Was I a comfort to her or an annoying reminder of failure?
Recovery from any substance is a hard battle and I have come to know that it is a family illness. It is too easy to say, "it is your problem," and not take any of the blame. Yet, it was I who continued to give her money and watch my grand children so she could go out with friends. It is a shared responsibility and we need to accept our involvement.
I am hopeful. I think it may work this time. I am afraid as well. I have heard the apologies and regrets too many times before and I want to hold back and protect my heart. " I'm sorry", "I promise" and "I won't" are words that she learned how to say easily and very convincingly, only to stumble again.
Today, I saw a woman with determination who was thinking clearly and purposely. She sounds strong. My heart quickens with excitement and then my perfect bubble is broken when I meet some of her friends that have been in rehab two, three, or four times before. Will she be strong enough to abstain and make a new life for herself or go back to the place like so many others seeking routine and structure?
Maybe she will relapse in a weak moment. She may think she can do just a little only to have the drugs pound her to the ground. Maybe I will go back to the lectures and passing guilt to goad her into compliance. This I do not know.
However, I do know that God loves each of us and we each have a unique purpose. I have learned that as I kept protecting her from hitting bottom, she would never need God to take the lead in her life. I am her mother. God is her Savior.
So we look forward to a full life without drugs and without blame. One more time.

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