by Kitty Murphy

Created on: April 19, 2008   Last Updated: April 20, 2008

One definition of the word discipline means "to teach". We say a person is disciplined when they pursue a goal like graduating from college, going on a diet or exercise regime, sitting down to work when they'd rather play. Discipline then is something that comes from the inside. It is inherent in a persons personality, or not. How do we learn and internalize discipline? Hopefully we are taught by skilled adults who show us by their good example of how a disciplined person behaves in the world. People who are disciplined control their anger. They are open to learning. They listen to and consider the ideas of others and they respectfully present their own ideas. They enjoy and respect life.

Many parents and teachers make the mistake of confusing discipline with punishment. To discipline a child we must teach using our own behavior as a model. We encourage, we gently nudge in the way we want a child to go. We make suggestions, we show some more, we talk, we listen, we support. The goal of good discipline is a child who grows into an adult who is self disciplined. Someone who does the right thing, not because they are afraid of punishment, but simply because it is right. Achieving this type of inner discipline requires a loving adult who is compassionate, slow to anger, and available.

Discipline requires consistency. Not meaning that we do the same thing all the time, or even do things in the same way every day. It means we adjust as the child needs us to. We make slight changes that allow us to discipline even when the child is hungry, tired, or grows into a teenager who may not want to be disciplined any more. Just because a child becomes a teen, doesn't man s/he doesn't need or want our input any more. It does mean that we, the parents need to remain consistent in our love of that child even when the child doesn't act lovable. It means that we stay the adult and do not revert to childish behavior ourselves.

What does good discipline look like? In our hurried lives it is not easy. Punishment, swift and furious is much easier to dole out than discipline. True discipline requires giving our children our time and our undivided attention every single day. Not quality time as we have been told, but quantities of time. It means that we take our children to public places and show by example how to open doors for people, how to hold a fork, put a napkin on our lap, carry on an intelligent conversation. It means we treat everyone we encounter from the janitor to the principal

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