by Marie de Foret

Created on: April 19, 2008

It takes a degree of trust to put that first foot down. I have to trust that I tied my laces tight enough. I have to trust that my ankles won't bend and let me fall. I have to trust myself to stay balanced and to turn correctly. All this was running through my mind as the blades delicately settled onto the ice with audible clicks and I signed myself over to the will of the skates.

The first time I went ice skating, I thought that I would control the skates, but I quickly discovered that was impossible. Only experienced skaters could alter that delicate balance between control and being controlled, but I wasn't anywhere near experienced, so I had to resign myself to letting the skates take me where they would. I could turn and even accelerate, but only if they permitted me to do so. It was a wary truce between the skates and I, but I soon learned how to acquire that edge that allowed me to race through the turns and glide gracefully over the ice.

But it had been so long since that first day, and I had forgotten those little tricks. So, the first few steps were awkwardI had to remember how to move. It wasn't long before I settled into my pattern, leaning into the curves, racing against no one but myself. Sometimes Paul was behind me making sure I didn't fall, and sometimes he wasn't. It wasn't about him, though. It was about me and the ice, having a good time, letting go and enjoying the moment for all its worth. We held hands occasionally, and a few times I let him pull me along, my hair whipping my face in the breeze he created. Then he'd let me go and I'd continue flying, closing my eyes and smiling. I was laughing, acting five years old, and enjoying every second of it.

But after a while I realized that I was simply going in circles over and over again. Skating felt like life, just going around and over itself, repetitious with chaotic turns and slippery sections. We try to navigate the rink as best as we can, but we all fall eventually, even the best of us. Normally I am not in such a reflective mood, but the day before cast a shadow over my emotions. The previous day's events had been a catalyst for my decision to go out and do something rather than sit in my dorm room and sulk.

I was tested for HIV.

It's so odd how your life can change in a mere second. It was a random Friday morning, the sun shining bright when I received a call from my ex-boyfriend who I had dated for two years. He told me the girl he had cheated on me with towards the end of our relationship

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