by Kari Trail

Created on: April 19, 2008

Looking back, his addiction was more than I ever even imagined it could be. What I saw as an embarrassment, something to hide, something to be afraid of.. was more than I could ever have dreamed it was. Until that day.

I woke up as if from a haze. Blood was still coming down my face. "Do I stay here? Do I run away? Where is he?" I thought to myself. "Should I call the police?" No. I knew before I had even thought everything through that I would do none of it. I would call my best friend and have her come help me. I am surprised that she could understand anything that was coming out of my mouth though. She wanted to know what happened. I thought about it for a while before explaining anything. I was cleaning the kitchen and when I went to wipe out the cupboards, I dropped a mirror with cocaine on it. I didn't know it was there. He walked into the room and before I could confront him on it... he had me by the throat. I can remember hearing those words so clearly in my head. "FIND EVERY SINGLE LAST BIT OF THAT! IT IS EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE! I NEED THAT COKE!" After pounding my head into the ground numerous times, I think that I finally blacked out. I vaguely remember seeing him snorting it off of the kitchen carpet; then nothing. Everything went black. When I came to.. I didn't see him anywhere.

She told me to leave, that it wasn't good for me... or the baby. We needed to get out. It would be better that way. Looking back, I realized that he had always had problems. I used to catch him smoking pot in my bathroom when he didn't think I was home yet. There would be all sorts of strange looking devices lying around the house (that I now know were pipes and bongs). And this was NOT the first time that he had gotten violent. Once, he had kicked me in the stomach until I lost a baby. All because I called him on it. I begged him to quit using. I wanted to be a normal family.. a sober family. What more could a woman ask for? Isn't that what everyone wanted? How do you break the cycle? She told me that HE had to WANT it. That was never going to happen. Not in this lifetime. So, I did what any sensible woman would do.. I stayed for nine years trying with all my heart and soul to change him. Because that is what any niave little girl would do, right? But eventually, I left for good.

I started attending Al-Anon and began to understand his addiction... for they tell you that as a person that has been around the user for any length of time, you begin to take on the traits of a person who is addicted to something. So, in a sense, I WAS an addict myself. A sober addict. You still have to recover from it. You still need to take the time to heal from it. And I know now that yes, he is STILL an addict. He is STILL using and is now abusing some other poor woman. Addiction kills. It hurts. It maims. It can rip everything from you in a split second and you can never get it back. No matter how hard you try, how many tears you cry. A piece of you will be lost forever.

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