by April Phelps

Created on: April 19, 2008   Last Updated: April 20, 2008

Families are unique in nature, for no two are alike. In addition some families function smoothly while others barely survive or survive one another. When family members have trouble setting boundaries, a copious amount of displacement goes on between the generations. This unique norm is an intermeshed family. Intermeshed families often conflate and amplify one another's personal affairs and views, too. In short it is hard to be objective in an intermeshed family.

The echoing sentiment of adult children dealing with parents from a generation of being seen and not heard is frustration. The problem arises when the grown child now an adult isn't the legal guardian of the parent, and the parent is over 18. Case in point I try to set boundaries with my mother time and again, yet she insists on being overly involved in every aspect of my life. I feel I have nothing that is mine as a result. It is very uncomfortable at thirty-four years of age, too. Further, espousing by the means of befriending, beguiling, and manipulating one's own kid into an inappropriate role can also lead to the wires getting crossed, especially when the parent has lived alone for twenty years. The degree of separation and autonomy do not seem to exist in such a relationship.

However sometimes it is necessary to put oneself in the other's shoes to understand where he or she is coming from. For instance my grandmother neglected and mistreated my mother, and now my mother still seeks the unconditional love she seldom received herself. The child even more so if the eldest internalizes this dynamic, and then grows up thinking he or she is responsible for the welfare of the parent, in addition to juggling their own family and responsibilities. Eventually one or the other has to fall through. The resulting resentment and guilt fosters a downward spiral on both ends. It would seem a sandwiched generation takes on a meaning of its own in such a relationship.

If families are to learn, grow, and stay together, both the mistreated parent and the parentified child need to arrive at some sort of consensus, especially if they are to move forward with their lives, goals, and dreams. The responsibility falls on both parties to respect each enough to set boundaries and stick to them. Likewise if the adult child still craves the parent they know doesn't figuratively exist, then the parent should realize their child can't take the place of the parent's parent. Sadly sometimes the best option is to say goodbye in an intermeshed family.

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