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It happened again! I got another idea for an article from a conversation that I had recently. The other day, I was talking to one of my Internet friends by instant message, and we had the most interesting discussion that I have not been able to stop thinking about. I am still not sure just how we got started on the subject, but we got into this great debate on the use of the word fag, and other such insulting terms. He was saying that he wished people would realize how hurtful that word is, and how angry it always made him to hear it used. He also remarked about how surprised he was that some of his other gay friends did not seem to mind its use, and sometimes even referred to themselves as fags. He asked me if I thought he was being overly sensitive about the issue.

I told him that in my view, there were two ways you could look at the situation. I told him that his point of view was definitely NOT wrong; there are many who agree with him. Many gay people are HORRIBLY insulted by the word fag, and other such slurs...even when they are used in jest. But there are some out there...like me...who only find those words insulting when they are being used in a manner that is OBVIOUSLY meant to be deliberately hateful and hurtful. It is only insulting when it is clear that the user's intention is malicious.

Allow me to illustrate my point with examples from my own life. When I first realized that I was gay, the whole idea of it made me very uncomfortable; I was very much in denial about it. I did a lot of reading and research trying to understand my feelings, and learn about life as a gay person. I even did counseling for a brief time, and one of the suggestions that they made to help me get comfortable with who I was is to have a sense of humor about the whole thing...to laugh about it and poke fun at yourself in a good-natured way. So that's what I did. I joked about it and often referred to myself as a fag in a humorous way. Doing that helped me in such a profound way. Without it, I am not sure I would have been able to become comfortable with my sexuality at all...and I am absolutely certain that I would not have been able to do it as quickly as I did.

I have a very good friend who was there for me through much of this difficulty. We shared so much during that time, and are so close because of it. She is now known affectionately as my favorite fag-hag, and I am her favorite fag! When we refer to each other in this way, there is nothing hateful or negative or malicious about it at all. The terms are used very playfully and affectionately. It is a very positive vibe between us. In fact, many of my straight friends use the word fag in reference to me...always with the same affection, of course.

So to me, use of the word fag is not always necessarily a negative thing. As I said earlier, it is only negative when the word is being used with hateful intentions. And you can ALWAYS tell the difference between the hateful use of the word and the type of use that I have described here.

I think that the key to not offending anyone is simply to always use the word with extreme caution and care. You have to use your own judgment on a case-by-case basis. In each case, you must know the people around you very well, and just be sensitive to their feelings about its use. If they hate it and are offended by it, don't use it around them; if they do not mind it being used in a playful way as I have described here, then I feel it is OK to do so.

Learn more about this author, Randy Duckworth.
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