Cross-country drives can be an absolute blast: an opportunity to see parts of the country you'd never visit otherwise, like the Museum of Colorado Prisons (No joke I was driving through Canon City and just couldn't pass it up. Did you know Canon City has 13 operating prisons? I didn't. Never mind; I digress). On the other hand, my parents recently decided that their 40-year marriage probably couldn't survive a month in an RV driving around all the national parks they've always wanted to visit. My point is that it will take a little advance planning to ensure that your cross-country trip is a little slice of heaven and not a circle of Dante's Inferno. Here are my top ten tips for keeping your sanity during a drive across America.
1. Choose your travel companions carefully. Ideally, they should be people who enjoy a fair bit of silence. I don't care how social you are, after four days of incessant chatter you'll be ready to leave your own mother by the side of the road. Oh, and don't invite anyone you suspect may want to take advantage of the alone time to have that serious "talk" you've been putting off (you know, like the girlfriend you still haven't proposed to after seven years). You can't walk away when you're driving 60 mph.
2. Drive your own vehicle. There's a reason 90% of comedic road trip movies take place in rented RVs and borrowed station wagons. Add the giddy high of a multi-day excursion to the problems inherent in an unfamiliar dashboard and therein lies comedic gold. Personally, I think all these movies were born out of Kerouac's '47 Cadillac limousine in On the Road, but that's a whole other article. Save yourself a world of headaches and take your own car.
3. And speaking of your vehicle, make sure it's been serviced and had any major parts that are nearing the end of their lives replaced before you hit the road. There is quite possibly nothing more terror-inducing than a teeth-jarring rattle or a loud "thunk" from the undercarriage in the middle of a lonely Midwestern highway except maybe if it's also raining. Now is not the time to find out just how far your car can go between oil changes.
4. Keep your planned daily driving time to less than six hours. The laws of the universe dictate that some part of your trip will lead you into crippling traffic jams or detours through neighboring states. When I drove Route 50 last year, I found myself stopped at a single-lane road narrowing, complete with a guide vehicle to lead groups of cars through, at least once a day. The first day I was kind of annoyed. By day three, I was used to it. By day eight, the very sight of a sign that read "Stop here and wait for lead vehicle" was enough to put me straight into a Zen meditative state during which I actually lost track of time. You won't be quite so philosophical if you're 20 minutes into a 14-hour driving day.
5. Bring enough breakfast food to last your entire trip. I'm not sure where the central factory is that produces those cardboard-tasting pastries you'll find in the lobby of every motel in the U.S. that offers a "continental breakfast," but the Food and Drug Administration needs to shut that place down. I came through the lounge of one motel in Utah in search of orange juice and actually saw a woman smuggling out a plate piled high with about two dozen of the things. Bless her, but she was taking her family's life in her hands. Those things taste like nothing and they sit in your gut all day. Just say no!
6. When driving through Kansas, watch the posted speed signs carefully. Every farm house with a paved driveway is designated as a town, with a corresponding drop in the maximum allowed speed. If you've never tried to register for the Kansas drivers diversion program through a "city" clerk's office with no website and a defunct fax machine number, believe me, you want to keep it that way.
7. If your vehicle's audio system is more than three years old, bring some kind of inexpensive backup radio or CD player. The laws of road trip physics dictate that you will suffer some kind of entertainment-related breakdown no later than day four. Oh, and if your Ipod jams, hold the menu and middle selector keys simultaneously for five seconds. I know this now. I didn't know this when I was driving through Illinois and I lost sound midway through Avril Lavigne's Best Damned Thing. The sound of my Honda's engine just isn't as much fun to sing along to.
8. Stop anywhere you see a "scenic overlook" turnout. The views are great, but, more importantly, this is where you will meet the most interesting people. Forget diners and dive bars, these photo ops are the places to see and be seen. I pulled over for a snack break near a Colorado lake and found myself surrounded by bikers to who'd stopped for a midmorning beer. Turns out they rolled out for three-day drives through the area often, and they gave me tips on the best places to stop for food. Plus it was fun to watch the couple from the RV edge around trying to take pictures without getting too near the "scary" men. I was kind of glad we were heading in different directions though; a 10 a.m. roadside beer break is a bad idea on many different levels.
9. Even if you are traveling during the hottest July on record, pack a pair of long pants, socks and a long sleeve t-shirt. One of the motels you picked will be a serious dud. You'll be left to contemplate how long it's been since an industrial cleaner has been through, and whether your next door neighbors are actually dangerous or just really, really creepy. You'll ponder driving on in search of a better place to stay, but in the end you'll just sleep fully clothed with a chair propped up against the door.
10. Pack your sense of humor. I don't care if you're making a tour of the nation's top classical art museums, road trips are inherently silly, and you're either going to giggle your way through the experience or spend a lot of time getting unnecessarily frustrated when the unexpected pops up in the form of strange electrical storms and poorly signposted detours. Prepare to laugh at whatever the road throws at you, and you'll be on your way to a memorable adventure.