by Lirpa Yadsloof

Created on: April 17, 2008

10. I want for those little packets that say "Do Not Eat" that they put in shoe boxes to be edible. Maybe they could change them to mints. I don't usually crave mints while I'm buying shoes, however, just the command "Do Not Eat" rankles me and makes me want to eat it, just to be perverse.

9. I want for grocery stores to be set up differently. Instead of arranging everything by type, lets just make two sections: "Good For You," and "Bad For You." I do not have time to keep up on all the new studies coming out nor can I make sense of the ones that I do bother to read. Is microwave popcorn bad or good? Are we still on the pomegranate kick, or has someone discovered they make you go blind? Is multi grain bread bad because of the gluten, or good because of the undetermined type of crunchies coating the outside of the bread? See, if you just separate all the good from the bad, then I can just stay in the good section when I'm shopping for my kids, and when I have PMS, I can put on a scarf and dark sunglasses and be a rebel in the bad section.

8. I want a smarter passing lane developed for highways. I think that if we put in little sensors throughout the passing lanes, they should be able to determine when a particular car has been in the lane too long without changing speeds or allowing other drivers a chance to get by. The sensors would send up a warning to the driver, and if it wasn't heeded and the driver didn't get out of the passing lane within a few minutes, then the road would open up, swallow the offending vehicle, and deposit them into driving school.

7. I want a mute button installed in my children.

6. I want to invent a combination dishwasher/cabinet. Instead of taking the dishes out of the cabinet, then putting them into the dishwasher, then putting them back in the cabinet...over and over again, I want a machine that will just wash them right there in the cabinet whenever the machine detects a dirty dish. Surely, this can't be too hard to develop? We have a life support systems that can run an entire human body, for crying out loud!

5. I want them to publicize the lottery losers, rather than winners. I need more things in my life that tell me I'm smart, and I think this would be good. "Montana man sells wife's wedding ring to buy lottery tickets, and he DID NOT WIN ONE DOLLAR!" This would be much better than me reading about some steelworker that's never played before winning ten million dollars, but he's going to keep his job because he likes the Friday poker tournaments his company sponsors.

4. I want to launch an international campaign to educate english speakers all over the world about the difference between "your" and "you're."

3. Instead of putting on a safari hat and carrying a tranquilizer gun in order to hunt the elusive "Home Improvement Store Worker" around the seven acre stores, I'd rather the company install cages at the front of each aisle and lock their employees in there. Then, customers can simply get a key as they walk in, unlock the cage, and get someone to help them shop for the two inch sliding compound miter drill bit ballistic component that breaks every two days in the dishwasher.

2. I want toy making companies to find a better way to manage toy shoplifters. Currently, you need a degree in engineering and a Sears tool section to remove one "FurReal" Kitty Cat from the box. Is it really necessary to screw the cat's foot into the bottom of the box with a fourteen inch screw? Christmas lasted four days in my house because it took us that long to remove the toys from the safe deposit boxes they came in.

1. I want more wine, and more time to drink it.

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