by Dyllan Bond

Created on: April 17, 2008   Last Updated: January 19, 2009

Freedom and Release
I came out to my mother in the spring of 2005. I had known that I was a lesbian for most of my life. I just denied it. I pushed into the far recesses of my mind. I didn't want to be gay. It went against everything I was raised to believe in.

I was raised Baptist. I was a good kid who never got into much trouble. I went through grade school and high school with relative ease. I attended a private school and then a private college. But there had always been that crazy idea in the back of my mind that I was not necessarily different, but that I was just not right.

But I liked girls.

After college, I left the small Michigan town I grew up in and moved to the big city of Chicago. While I struggled with my sexual identity and spirituality, I started breaking other rules of Christianity. I started drinkingheavily, as if to drown my confusion. I started smoking for an act of rebellion against my body as a temple. I fooled around with men and women trying to decide if I really had to be gay.

But I was. I could not deny it any longer. It was time to take control of my life and everything in it. I was miserable living a lie. And I so desperately wanted to be happy.

I moved back home to Michigan in 2005 to be closer to my family after the unexpected death of my father. He was killed in a plane crash. It opened my eyes to the fleeting grasp of life.

It was time to live my life.

My mom's reaction was not what I expected. Mothers always seem to know even if they choose to ignore it. She had an idea, she said. She really didn't think I was gay just that I was making that choice. She still loved me no matter what. I tried to explain to her that it was not a choice. Who would ever choose this way? To be discriminated against. To not be able to marry. To not be able to hold hands on a romantic stroll without eyeballs piercing your boldness.

Maybe we still don't agree, but she loves me no matter what.

I was lucky. Very lucky.

Many members of the lesbian, gay, transgender and bisexual community are not so lucky. Thrown out. Never talked to. Hate crimes. Rejection. Excommunicated. Left out of the will. Banished.

When I came out, it was as if a huge gorilla had climbed off my back.

I no longer feel like a disappointment because I am happy with myself and who I am. And my mom knows it. For years, I suffered severe depression and thoughts of suicide and thoughts of running away. I couldn't stand the thought of letting down my mom. But my mom has seen my transformation and

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