by Elaine Sihera

Created on: April 16, 2008

The Power To Forgive... Do You Have It?

Yes, I have now, but it hasn't been easy. That power has only been developed to the level I want over the past five years. Before that I was very unforgiving, kept malice whenever I wanted to and would not speak to some people for ages. I slowly learnt why we can be unforgiving and decided to change my outlook.

People are unforgiving for three main reasons.

1. A desire for perfection: When we seek perfection, we cannot accept that people are fallible, that they will make mistakes, that they will be angry and feeling pain and will seek to express that in negative ways, that they won't be clones of us, they will behave differently. We put them on a pedestal and expect them to behave almost like saints, especially to our expectations. Of course that is not possible because e are all unique beings. But the minute they do or say something we don't like, we judge them harshly and bear that grudge for a long while because we can't cope with our own disappointment.

2. We seek scapegoats because we always want to be 'right': People love to have someone to blame for their own shortcomings or the problems in their life. Most of all they also love to be right, they can never accept that it isn't about being right, but being appropriate and accommodating. Put those two aims together and it is easy to find people we can condemn when we do not wish to take responsibility for our own actions. Hence why we tend to be reluctant to forgive our scapegoats, anyone who has proved us 'wrong' and anyone we believe has behaved 'badly, according to our expectations.

3. We lack self love: When we don't love ourselves it is harder to love others as we can't give away what we don't have. When we have no self-love it is also harder to forgive others because the act of forgiveness is not really about others. It is about forgiving ourselves first and foremost for our unrealistic expectations and actions, then we can move outwards to others. Many people find it hard to forgive themselves, beating themselves up constantly instead of letting go and moving on, and so they avoid forgiving others too in order to justify their behaviour and to feel self-righteous.

Forgiveness is not easy to do sometimes but it comes from accepting that we all are capable of negative actions, we are all fallible beings who thrive more on love than hate and we are all guilty of something in our lives. To make ourselves feel better, especially when we are carrying a lot of guilt, it is always more handy to paint someone else as worse. But at the heart of forgiveness is love for the self and others. When we forgive, we not only prove the love we have as a person, but we also show that actions can always be changed as no one event represents the sum of our life. It's the person who remains constant and is always worthy of that forgiveness to help them on their journey.

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