by Mr. Jay L.

Created on: April 15, 2008

My supervisor asked me an interesting question the other day. Basically, he wanted to know if I had any regrets or bitterness regarding my ex wife.

Now, most guys would either immediately say, "I hate her," or "I regret ever meeting her." Other guys would have to think about it before they could honestly answer which, in essence, means that they're avoiding the subject. Still others would say lots of nonsense about how it was unfortunate things couldn't work out, how they wished for the best for their former spouse or some other nonsense to cover how angry and resentful they really are.

All I could do was shrug. For those who know me well, they know that I can be bluntly honest. So what does this shrug mean? Other than the occasional sarcastic comment about marriage or anecdotal incident, I tend to try to not think about either her or our marriage.

Like any marriage or relationship, we had out ups and downs. Eventually the downs outnumbered the ups, which inevitably led to the split. She did her share of screwed up things, and so did I. I won't go into what she did; this isn't a forum for ex-wife bashing, and honestly she isn't worth the stress and irritation focusing on those negative moments. I prefer to remember the good things if I think about her at all.

Do I hold any bitterness against her? I'd be lying if I said that I didn't, but I dismissed most of those thoughts and feelings over the first year following the divorce. Do I have any regrets? Yes, though people often misinterpret my saying that I shouldn't have married her as a slam against her. It was a mismatch, nothing more; what I regret is the time we both lost pursuing our individual dreams and goals. I don't regret the marriage itself, for in some ways it made me a better person. If asked, I doubt she'd say the same thing about me or our marriage, but that's her problem.

I learned a lot during our time together I learned what I am capable of doing in a relationship as well as what I am incapable of doing or accepting. I've learned my personal limits, both positive and negative. Most of all, I learned to think as well as to feel.

That chapter of my life is closed. The good memories are kept and the rest have been tossed. A few mementos have been kept, put away in storage, for that was a significant part of my life. That said, I don't particularly want to spend any more time around her than absolutely have to, but I don't harbor any truly negative thoughts or feelings about her.

So why am I writing this? I've noticed a lot of my friends lately going through bad break ups or divorces. Unfortunately, most of them are women who now have a kid or two from the relationship something that I fortunately managed to avoid and all of them seem to be holding a level of bitterness that far exceeds anything I ever experienced.

People should know that with time most of a divorce's wounds will heal, but scars will be left. The bitterness will fade, and things will get better.

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