3 of 75

Write now Article Tools

I must admit I liked the exterminator's clever sales pitch. It was one of the best I had ever heard. "Folks, I'd feel a lot more comfortable finishing up my estimate outside." I was just about to say something stupid when my wife committed the cardinal sin of talking with any salesman selling anything- she agreed with him. The bug man now had the leverage he needed to slam me to the mat and keep me there.

The next thing I knew I found myself standing on my front lawn watching the expert bug zapper guy play with my wife's fear of bugs like a yo-yo. It was also painfully clear he knew how to walk-the-dog. "Now what is it you are so afraid of in our house again?" I heard my wife ask him as I felt my eyes rotate in opposite directions. My wallet was starting to feel considerably lighter. "Mam, I don't know how you can even close your eyes and go to sleep at night in this house. I've been doing this for over 30 years and I've never seen anything like it. Your house is infested with one of the most formidable spiders of the spider world- the brown recluse."

The expressive look on my wife's pale white face told me the fight was over. This guy was good, really good. We had already encountered snake and flying squirrel problems in this old house, but they were fairly large rodents that I could easily capture and eradicate on my own. I also explained to my woefully weary bride that snakes eat rats and mice. Heck, that's a free service provided by God and we should be thankful to Him for creating snakes. Spiders that build conical shaped nests in your ceiling and only come out after dark was something I was not prepared to explain away. I wasn't certain how I would be able to talk my wife away from the ledge where she currently stood.

"I can spray'em folks. I'll hit'em hard with ZD-2H2B repellant, but I fear they are too well- entrenched. I'd really suggest moving to another home," the bug man drove the spike in deeper. I felt my blood pressure climbing and my wife moved away from me and closer to her new suitor, who clearly cared more about her well-being than I did. My wife's eyes narrowed and I knew what would come next from her lips. "How could you put our sweet baby girl in jeopardy like this?" She wasn't acting and the bug man was now safely smirking behind his new ally. I was in trouble of the deep variety.

I had clearly underestimated the skills this evil exterminator man possessed. Money was no longer the issue- my immediate future with my wife and child now hung in the balance. We were now playing a new game of high stakes poker and I had to somehow get the momentum back. "Look fellow, I've known all along about those brown spiders. You may or may not know this, but they prey upon another smaller spider that is much more dangerous than the brown recluse." My wife and Mr. Bug Zapper both gave me simultaneous incredulous glances. This probably wouldn't work, but at least I had momentarily stopped him from talking.

Then he took my bait. "Just what is the name of this smaller more dangerous spider?" I quickly seized my one and only opportunity available to escape the current mess I was in. "Well, I think you need to research that on your own time and get back with me proving my spider predation theory wrong." I patted him on the back and walked back in our spider- infested home proud of my last ditch effort to save my hide.

Of course I knew this victory wouldn't last long, for my wife is much peskier and lots more persistent than any spider that I know of. In the back of my mind I had already accepted I would soon be building her a new home.

Learn more about this author, Greg Monroe.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Humor: Finding bugs in the house?
We want to hear your view. Write now!