by David Mckellar

Created on: April 15, 2008

This article comes with a warning; if you object to the use of asterisks in four letter words, please stop reading now, rather than going on and upsetting yourself unnecessarily. This article also carries a euphemism warning.

I wish to sing the praises of all the people who complain about bad language, because if it wasn't for them the English language would not be so rich in euphemisms for unmentionable expressions.

Take the euphemisms we use when talking about problems downstairs in the lower regions. My father called his old man Percy and whenever he went to the toilet he used say "Excuse me I am going to point Percy at the porcelain." Great expression. But there are many euphemisms we use. Apart from Percy and waterworks there are: Private parts, ding-a-ling, thingamabob, equipment, thingy, my little friend, pride and joy, jack-in-the-box, jiminey cricket, joy stick, plonker, pecker and winky. They are much more entertaining than using the p* word.

Now there are some people who find it too embarrassing to even use the euphemisms they have to mouth the word. My mother does that. She went to the doctors with "woman's trouble" and kept mouthing it to the doctor in a much exaggerated way while at the same time giving him another clue to what she was talking about by pointing her left hand to her lower regions. This went on for two or three minutes and the doctor said he understood and gave her a prescription for laryngitis.

Thanks to some people it is frowned upon in company to even say you are going to the toilet. The most common is going to the loo'. Why is it called loo? There are two theories: one it comes from the number 100 because at one time in large buildings the toilet was always room 100; and the second is from the French expression "Gardez l'eau " which translated means "watch for the water" and was the warning people gave before they chucked toilet waste out of the upstairs window.

People also use such expressions as taking a pit stop, test the plumbing, spend a penny, go the john,and I love the one women use I am going to powder my nose'.

However you have to go a long way to beat the euphemisms when it comes to the s*x act itself. Dip one's wick, fix her plumbing, gather one's oats, hokey pokey, getting one's leg over, making whoopee, having a bonk, visit the Netherlands, yodelling in gulley and finally zallywacking.

I have to go now because I have been caught short and I have to go to the little room to point percy at the porcelain..

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