by J. Farnum

Created on: April 15, 2008   Last Updated: January 19, 2009

I grew up in New York City but people are still ridiculed for being different. To be sexual different was the worst type of different to be. In my home no talked about lesbians, gays, bisexuals or trans-genders. I remember getting into fights with boys who called my younger brothers the f-word. After all my brothers were not homos. Homophobia at ten is difficult especially when you don't know what it means. I understood the danger of hate. I knew how hard it was to be picked on because you are different or at least viewed to be different. So when my only son showed signs of being gay-I was mortified and unable to express it.

I knew my son laughed like a girl, played with his younger sister's hair too much and loved perfumes. I knew for years that he might be gay but I did not have a reference. There were no positive experiences with good outcomes that I could use to measure how-to-handle this feeling. I resorted to negative words, ugly words and unjustifiable statements. Somehow my son knew I was not able to accept his true identity so he hid it, he denied who is. I thought of only myself. The grandchildren I would not have the ridicule I would face, the alienation from family and friends. It was better for both us-there in denial. So in denial we stayed for years.

As a mother you want only the best for your child and your child looks to you as a parent for approval and acceptance. It was these reasons that led my son and I to have had heart-to-heart when he was seventeen. My son took me out to dinner and came out. Finally, there over dinner I had my suspicions confirmed and my heart didn't stop. I saw relief come into his eyes as I absorbed his words, "Ma, I am bi but I still your boy." I remember joking with him about him being freaky or loving kinky sex. There at dinner and on the way home we laughed and joked. I cautioned him on being safe physically, sexually and emotionally.

He came out and it freed him. His coming out freed me and created a reference that you can draw from. If you have not come out to you love ones or if you are a love one with suspicions that your love one is gay, bisexual or lesbian; remember the key word is love. I did not have any experience with LGBT community and every reference I had was negative. I realized my son was still my boy-he needed love not rejection. He still needed to be reared not reviled. I made an effort to understand and not judge. Yes I cried and I mourned because I had to bury an image that I created. My imaginings

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