Writing Critiques Group

Hi all the members of this group.Englsih not being my First language, I feel problem sometimes when it comes to connecting the sentences or making conditional sentences.whenever zi find my article deleted by helium, I feel myself verymuch depressed.may be condition will be better after gaining some experience

Also what about this sentence

"may be condition will be better after gaining"

The most confusing niches for me are to understand the subtlities between may and might, would vs should vs could vs can.

can you elaborate please with one example if possible especially in which case I should not use the words like "would or could or can or may or may be".

Here are some writing sample please have a critical look.

http://www.helium.com/items/1949124-benefits-of-good-seo-articles-to-freelance-writers

http://www.helium.com/items/1957011-how-to-improve-your-first-months-earnings-at-helium

Would someone please critique my article?

http://www.helium.com/items/1956421-advantages-of-using-silk-flowers-for-a-wedding

president Sarkozy have no right to ban on Burka in his country if we deeply study on every religion we will find out that there is no restriction on people whom belong to others religion they can easily and openly live in their religion the step which sarkozy took totally political step he want to benefit of this i think that was agenda of party of president sarkozy and i think would raise this agenda during election campaign sarkozy i think forgot that there lots of French people living working in Muslims countries if Muslim country take a step like this and order and pass the law that every woman will not move without scarf or Burka in Muslim country then this west which supporting sarkozy some how will rise up and will cry and call Muslims extremist and campaign will start in all over the world against them because they force thier woman and bound them for wear burka or scarf and will forget all those which they done in their country with Muslims women population in my book of view the step of president sarkozy was totally foolish step and its will damage his personalty and also can effect his political career so president sarkozy their parliament and their party should review on this decision which thy taken i think that will beter for them and if he take back this order i think he will find some soft corner in hearts of Muslims which they almost lost. i just want to ask a question from President if a Muslim country force or ban on woman that no woman can move without burkas or scarf and make it law then western call them extremist and cruel etc but after president sarkozi this decision what should call him is it not a Muslim enmity and in my view if a woman want to wear scarf and burkas in a place where lot of man and she dosenot want to show off his body so this her rights if French feel that they have some problem they should hire ladies security staff in public area to where they if feel can check them i don't think so they will feel any hesitation but its totally unfair to force then and prohibited on this that no woman can use scarf and burkas. Burkas and scarf are not harmful Mr.president and Muslim are very peaceful and there is no harm from them so please reconsider your decision and hopefully u will take care of Muslim feeling 

I've been lurking for some time on Helium, though I only decided to take the leap and post last night. I've been writing for a while, though not in this sort of community. Critique would be greatly appreciated, on my writing style, objectivity and fairness of content.

My first article on the site, for zombies: http://www.helium.com/items/2034846-fast-or-slow-zombie

My second, posted about ten minutes ago, on firearms legality: http://www.helium.com/items/2035042-sawn-off-shotgun-legality

Thanks in advance, John.

http://www.helium.com/items/2047277-hamlet

need help with a thesis statement and textual evidence with quotes to prove thesis

I'm pleased to have found this group and willing to learn how to be a helpful participant.

I've written two articles and realize I need to write to a title that has more than 1 or no other articles.

Here are the links to my articles:

http://www.helium.com/items/2080231-groundhog-day-origins-in-european-celebrations-and-rituals

http://www.helium.com/items/2072757-recovery-from-alcoholism-or-an-alcohol-addiction

Thanks in advance - I hope I posted this correctly.

All the best, Dee Dee

Hi

I'm new to helium and have contributed few articles.  I'm eager to learn and improve.

Your opinion would help me a lot.  

http://www.helium.com/items/2036293-short-stories-for-kids

http://www.helium.com/items/2068582-childrens-stories

http://www.helium.com/items/2058701-bedtime-stories

Dear Mr. M Faisal:

         The format does not use proper sentence structure for English.

         Capital letters are not used.

         No paragraphs are indicated.

        If you will try to correct this first then a proper critique can be made.

       Please also check your facts. Do any Moslem countries require female foreigners to wear head scarfs or other specified clothing ?  The answer is that some do make this a requirement outside of tourist areas.  At least two Moslem countries require specifed dress for females and in certain areas of other Moslem countries  it is dangerous not to wear the clothing expected by the locals.  Please check this and let me know if it has changed.

      Also please note that the use of terms is confusing when you ask ,"Does President Sarkozy have the right to ban burkas."  The legal answer is he does. You or anyone else may think he should not have that right but he legally has whatever powers the country's Constitution and laws grant him.

       When you have checked the above for the facts and attempted to re-write the article into complete sentences let me know.

           Walter Boucher

Dear Mr. Rizwan Noor:

          The difference between could and should is that you could run into a burning building but you should not if you do not have a serious reason to do so.

         You wrote may be.  The combination of may be is usually avoided because it sounds like maybe (possible but uncertain) and if that is the meaning that you want to convey then maybe is correct and less confusing for native speakers.may be condition will be better after gaining

"may be condition will be better after gaining" is not  a sentence because it is missing a subject. Maybe should have been written in place of may be and condition should state what and whose condition will be better and how to convey a complete thought.

May implies permission. Might implies that you are physically or mental able to do it.

Examples :

 You might take the money but you may not.    You are able to but do not have permission, without permission you break the rules.

You could drive the car but you should not because it belongs to someone who did not give you permission to use the car.

Would you climb the mountain to save a small child ?  It is not known what you will decide.

Should you climb the mountain to save a small child ? What is right or wrong is the difference here.  Should you save the child ? I would think the answer is yes. Would you save the child ? The question is what will you actually do.

The page links below return the message that they are out dated and no longer available.

Hello, my name is Karen Szatkowski and I've been studying writing for many years.  I did a massive brush up through Writer's Digest School and then a creative writing course through the University of Tennessee, both correspondence courses.  I've written articles for Civil War reenacting magazines.  I've also studied Syd Field's Screenwriting books and his video and am most interested in screenwriting.  I finished one screenplay and have at least five more in the works.  The beginning of one of my screenplays can be read at:  http://karenszat.wordpress.com.

I have been a Civil War reenactor since 1993 and actually started reenacting to learn about that era of hour history for writing purposes.  I make all of my period dress and my husband's.

I've sewn since the age of ten and the header on my Wordpress site is the bottom portion of quilted wall hanging I'm designing of Independence Hall.  I've designed many, including one of Mount Vernon, Arlington House, and Shirley Plantation.  I began designing them as a challenge to myself to merely see if I could do it but found that I love designing/creating them and just kept going.

I am also an avid quilter and design them on the computer.  My quilts are utility quilts and used.

I would dearly love to read and critique these articles, however, the links provided to the articles do not seem to be working?  Thanks, Betty

Please critique my article:  Tips to find great deals at garage sales.

Thanks,

Carolyn {teasley55}

Hello from me as well, 

Although English is an acquired language for me, too, I don't think I sound unnatural, do I? Here is my little bit of writing: http://www.helium.com/items/2167154-graduation-love-and-sorrow

hope to hear from you soon. 

Hello to all (almost) English-speaking guys out there, 

I was applying for a writing job at a website when they asked me to write an interesting story about the daily life a tow truck crew. You can imagine my disgust and aversion at their enthusiasm so here is how I got back at them: 
http://www.helium.com/items/2166602-an-epic-human-being

Hope to hear you opinions.

All Business owners want to achieve many things in their businesses and one of them is having a good turn over. It will take some effort by the business owner to increase on their business turnover. With the following tips one should be able to get good results. 1. Making so much more with every single sale- There are many creative ways one can make more money every item or product they sell, with a little bit of extras or service with every sale will encourage people to buy much more and in this way the business owner will be making high turnovers. 2. Pricing according to Quality- Every business owner should price their products or services in relation to the quality of their products or services and at the same time offering a competitive price within their industry. If a business owner is offering high quality services or selling high quality products and are charging less than their fellow business owners then they will turn out to be cheap and will end up making losses i
nstead of profits. 3. Use of the referral system- This is a good way of marketing and increasing sales, one will be able to generate a new business from their existing customers who will bring in more customers and help in increasing sales. It is important to treat the existing customers well so that they can become sales persons by default. A happy customer will ten more people about the service they have received. 4. Advertise other services- When business owners inform their existing and new customers about all the other services and products on sale, then this will increase the likelihood of the business owner of making much more sales in return. Information is very key when it comes to awareness tactics, in any business, it is good to tell others about all the services and products they can get from one place. 5. Training Staff- Depending on the nature of business, if an individual employs more than one person to work in their business then they will require to train th
e staff on how to make more sales and also improve on the existing sales processes. Continual training will help the employees become better at making sales and also will boost the customers confidence in the business overall. 6. Creativity- Finding ways to improve on the quality and appearance of the product or service for sale is also a good way in helping with turnover. Customers get attracted to any thing that looks new or different. It is good to have creative branding ideas that will boost the sales of the product or services.

This is an informative articles, but there are punctuation errors and it is a bit wordy.  For example, the second word of the article, "Business" does not need a capital "B".   I think you should describe the term "turn over".  Although business owners with inventory will be famliar with this term, new or aspiring business owners, may not.  Your headings could be shorter.  For example, "Making so much more with every single sale" could be shortened to "Make More with each Sale"., or "Price according to Quality".  Also, I think you use the gerund form of verbs too often.  Instead of "Pricing according to Quality"...say "Price According to Quality".

Hi Moon,

thanks for the advice I shall heed to it and reformat my writing style. can I send you more to review?

Kind Regards

Prosper

Yes, please send me more.  I will, in turn, send you some of my writing...when I get around to it.  That is one of my challenges...finding time to write...but that's how we learn...write, write, write.

Thanks

I am starting to think that people do not associate graduation with love : 
http://www.helium.com/items/2167154-graduation-love-and-sorrow

Hey People,

please read my abstract on the following sites and tell me what you think.

http://www.shvoong.com/internet-and-technologies/websites/2171637-www-helium-com/

Interesting article, you appear to know more about business strictly than I do. Of course, as your generic reader, I'm also mildly confused by the term "turn over" and had to google that - this is bad for an article where you want to get the reader to sit down and read it. However, your article may be targeting folks who are mildly experienced already, so...

Otherwise, I've got a few criticisms, I'll bullet them so it's easier for you to go over.

• Don't capitalize random words, as it can become jarring.
• I'm assuming you'll do this on the final article, but avoid "wall-o-text" blocks.
• Try to vary up your lingo. Using business twice in the first sentence, and turnover twice in those first two sentences can get somewhat jarring, too.
• Using examples of successful businesses using such tactics might help convince the reader.
• Statistics and actual numbers are very convincing in this sort of guide.
• It's somewhat generic for a guide. How exactly do I gauge quality? Off man-hours, investments, comparing to competing products? You're giving solid points, but not exactly explaining how we use that new perspective.

I think it's solid writing, but more a love story using graduation as a springboard to leap from, rather than a piece on graduation & love like I imagine you were going for.

Since this is a pretty old post, I hope you still find my advice useful. It's two vastly different types of writing, so let me take a moment on each.

The talk shows article was pretty good, just a few areas to improve tone. "... so much more." and "...beyond that." sound good, but rather leave your statements hanging, and make it somewhat awkward to roll into your explanations following. A lot of your sentences are somewhat fragmented and this messes with pace. If you blended a few of them together, it'd make it read a lot smoother.

Most of the phrases are pretty catchy and attention grabbing, except; "Norton is one of the top comedians in the business, he is the best-selling author of two wildly funny books, ..." Wildly funny books just seems rather awkward. For this sort of thing you might want to insert a comment on the common perception, or choose different words to describe them so directly.

Onto the fiction. I definitely think it was interesting but the ending makes me feel like it was a teaser, not really a story in itself. We learn about the poor living condition, but the little information about the narrator, what the photo is, and the littlest tidbit about what he's going to trigger makes me believe there's so much more. Good writing, but I don't think it stands well by itself.

http://www.helium.com/items/2153414-tips-great-sales-garage-sales

It would have helped some if you had linked the article, like so ^

I don't think there's a terrible lot to say, you covered your bases well. I'd say maybe go into detail on haggling or looking over the condition of an item, or how to treat someone who is selling something they really don't want to sell... but that's pretty specific for this sort of article.

John,

Thank you for your input.  I agree with the haggling part.  Sometimes you can talk the price down.

Carolyn (teasley55)

http://www.helium.com/items/2182927-foreign-aid

Is foreign aid the solution to global poverty?

http://www.helium.com/items/2189128-the-difference-between-the-joy-of-the-lord-and-happiness

http://www.helium.com/items/2181483-hypomania

Please feature my article for critique-

http://www.helium.com/items/2247972-hockey-hits-body-checking-concussions-lindros-gretzky-new-rules-hockey-national-hockey-nhl

As they say ' Show, don't tell..'  

I find it an excellent piece of work!

http://www.helium.com/items/2252840-how-religion-provides-purpose-meaning-and-hope

I could use some constructive critisim here. I thought it was a well-written piece, but apparently my collegues don't think so, as it has a 4 of 4 rating.  Any thoughts?

Just joined the group, so I apologize if this is no longer relevent.

The article itself is fairly well-written.  If I could suggest take the first-person out of it, and also remove the sub-titles/headers.  If you outline your point clear enough in the paragraph body, the reader will know what it is about.

It will also shorten the article a bit which, in our ADD world, is a good thing :)

aron

http://www.helium.com/items/2253764-is-divorce-an-option-for-christians 

Thank you for your critique. I will consider your tips for improvement.

http://www.helium.com/items/2291740-the-complex-soul

Aliens

Secret of the universe

 

Do aliens exist? Will we ever get a chance to meet them? Do they look like us or resemble any animal? Are they as intelligent as we see in our science fiction films?

Assuming that aliens have faces, is it possible for a face to face encounter with them in this huge universe that extends by 70 kilometers every second? Even if the extraterrestrials never visit us or receive a visit from us, we might still be able to talk to them by means of radio. Unlike stars radio waves can travel through empty places through the empty spaces (vacuum) between the stars at the speed of light. From almost 50 years scientists are trying to pick up extraterrestrial signals. After all finding an alien broadcast would immediately prove that there is someone out there without the expense of sending rockets to a distant planet in the distant planet in hope of discovering a populated one. 

Unfortunately the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) has so far failed to find a single sure peep from the skies. The radio bands have been discouragingly quiet. Does that if aliens do exist they are not as developed as we are?  or Are they do not want to reveal their identity to us? or Are they so far always from us that we have not yet received a message from them yet even after they sent in many years ago?

If it is true that no one is out there in all the galaxies, we are stupendously special and dreadfully alone. SETI experiments are like looking for buried treasure without a map. SETI researchers tell us that it is too soon to conclude that we have no company among the stars. 

New radio telescopes are speeding up the search for signals. May be in a few dozen years we could hear a faint broadcast from another civilization.

Few years back people claimed to have seen the UFOs. But none could be proved. For now we can only imagine how an alien looks. If at all we receive an alien signal, what would their reply be for a hello? Would be a ZOZO or ZOZO or any other word? Would they look like us? Would they be as tall as us or tall as a skyscraper or as short as an amoeba? Let's wait and watch. 

Hi everyone.

I'm new to Helium. Can you check out my any of my articles and give me an criticisms or comments to help my writing? Thanks!

Hello Emmet Eldred,

I looked over your story, Family Secrets. I'd say that was a spelling error in the final paragraph, "women" instead of "woman's."

Have you considered using similes or metaphors to extend the impact of your imagery?

"... as if he could see the debtor, ... struggling to break free, trying to swim against the weight like a chicken lowered from a meat hook."

"... as if he could see the debtor, ... struggling to break free. He was a gasping tadpole, trying to swim against the weight."

The omission is for the forum alone, for sake of brevity.

Looking over Novel excerpts: Addiction, I see that it has so many discrepancies with naming the family-of-two that by the time I get to the  Couch idea as proper noun, I have no idea to what the piece were attempting to refer.

Moving on, by such time that we get to the Walmart receipt piece, I feel that it makes your characters too mechanical and unrealistic. Parts of this section seem to read to be more interesting than this story. I also have to wonder if this article would be accused of plagiarizing the Walmart receipt. Someone else could flag it yet.

Just how engaging have your characters been? It was like transport to another world or another story at least, by such time as you portray the bride as an English schoolteacher.

You may wonder, for example, how can a writer hold his or her own interest long enough to write a book? And most books on writing novels or stories of any sort will tell readers to write anything that would fit in the story while on way to the end. That's were so important, because no work is finished until the editing has been complete.

Being one of your first ten works posted on Helium, I personally feel slack for your condition. This is one such opportunity to try to answer your question. Besides, creative works do not even build your writing stars although may earn badges although you could make any money off the views.

But how to  make a character engaging, hold reader interest without resorting to interesting things like a Walmart receipt?

I think the first story of my reading, Family Secrets, was a very compelling vignette about a loan shark and that it did the most things "right," in terms of being a complete, stand-alone, hard-to-beat work. That's just my opinion, of course. Perhaps others would confirm either way.

As for the Humor article on Broccoli, it was the sort of article that could be cleaned up quite a bit and come out looking unblemished. Whose mind do you want us to be in as readers during a work of fiction, of humor? I felt like it was someone with only 10-12 years under the belt. I decided to stop reading after the second or third page, but I had to admit that there had been a lot of effort involved in the execution. Since the writing takes a slap-stick approach, why not go a little further with that? Otherwise, I felt transported to the virtual mind of Chef Paul Proudhomme and his air-conditioned dough-time voice. Setting up the "stick" was a clever approach.

If these are all your ideas, I consider that your potential can grow as quickly as might be expected. Apparently some works drift off as if to sleep, such as the novel excerpt. I just couldn't believe the receipt device.

So, does this help any?

"These are my ideas. I approved this announcement."

Thanks Bo Del Ransi, 

I'll send a message to the helium editors to correct that spelling error. I originally did have a few similes in that story, family secrets, but it was a flash fiction piece and I ended up having to take them out because I was over 400 words. 

As for the addiction piece, I do understand where you are coming from with the character name discrepancies, although they do become clearer as the novel progresses. I will, however, consider taking a few of them out for clarity's sake.

I do partially agree with your thoughts on the reciept section of that piece. I wrote that particular piece a few years ago when my writing was less mature, so it is a little lacking. I do, however, think there is some value in that device with a little more finese. I didn't take the time to revisit that particular element before I posted it on Helium, but I will look at again as I move forward. 

I appreciate the advice you have here on holding a reader's interest. I think that my writing in its present state is better suited for the flash fiction articles as opposed to longer articles because I'm better at fleshing out small scenes and details than characterization and dialouge. But I hope to continue growing in these areas so I can better hold my reader's interest. 

Thanks!

Emmett