No

by R. Colleen

Created on: August 26, 2008

I was sorely tempted to drag out a podium and make short work of such a debate topic. Should people have sex before marriage? Absolutely not. Why? Because the Bible says ...

My high school debate coach would have been proud. Instead of relying only on a biblical mandate, I chose instead to look at both sides both logically and secularly. This is such an important topic for our day and age, and not just because of its potential volatility. It is a subject that should not be ignored and is further evidence that we have become an increasingly selfish people!

One opposing argument is that no one can tell me what to do, especially with my own body. It is an individual decision, mine and my partner's alone. The missing part of that equation is that this choice to have sex before marriage involves another person as well as any future relationships you have, not to mention the baggage you carry from old ones. As easy as it may be to justify having sex before marriage, there are, what I hope the opposing side will realize, valid reasons for NOT doing it!

First, generally speaking, once you've done it, you are more likely to do it again. And with various partners. After all, not only is it fun, there is less to lose, right?

Another drawback is that placing sexual compatibility as a "prerequisite" of choosing a life partner is a shaky foundation at best. Believe me, after 26 years of marriage, I'm glad my husband and I have a deeper bond than what goes on in the bedroom. Sex, in my opinion, is devalued when it becomes just another compatibility factor like finances or furniture. We have lost the idea that sexual intimacy is a precious and private act, not of selfishness but rather of selflessness, a giving of the most personal and intimate part of who I am as a person to the one I am willing to love for life. It is the ultimate gift, regretfully a gift I took for granted.

Maybe the problem isn't placing so little importance on sex but rather placing so little importance on marriage. Personally, I don't want society to continue on a path of moral relativism. That's what got us here in the first place.

Do you remember years ago when boys wanted to date the "bad" girls? Some of us "bad" girls were more discreet than others! Remember the ones they wanted to marry? It wasn't the girls who gave sexual favors. When the girl's grip on her boyfriend was failing, sex was used as a chain, especially if she had a pregnancy scare. While that scenario may have changed in recent years, our behavior has not. Girls gave sex to get love and boys gave love to get sex.

"But I only have sex if I'm committed to the relationship." Okay. This is still another facet of my reasoning not to have sex before marriage. How many "exclusive" commitments have you had? I suppose if you can count them on one hand, you've done better than most. I've heard much too often that couples start out committed, determine to be exclusive, have sex, buy a house, etc., and discovered they weren't completely compatible Whew! you say. Thank God it wasn't too late! Huh? Too late? The marriage certificate may be missing but it is no less painful than divorce.

Before that train of thought takes me off on a tangent, I will grant that there are some couples who, in the realm of their relationship, are as committed or even more so than many of their married counterparts. Even statistics bear out the fact that there is little difference in the divorce rate of those who engaged in premarital sex and those who abstained until their wedding night. And I willingly admit that I truly loved almost every guy I had sex with. Marriage does not even guarantee freedom from sexually-transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies or permanent emotional scars. And I know monogamy is possible even if a couple has sex before marriage. Even here, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

By far, my greatest aggravation is those cute little rationalizations defending sex before marriage. I'm sure you've heard them, maybe even used them:

"Everyone kicks the tires before they buy a car." My response? Do you really want your daughter to be one of the tires kicked in the backseat of some guy's car, passed over for a newer, more exciting model? Do you really want your son "shopping around"? I don't think anyone should feel they were worth "purchasing" until after the "test drive".

"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Why, indeed. The question on the other side of this particular coin is, "Why won't he marry me?" We don't like the answer to that one.

Physiologically, women are geared to be united with their sexual partner. The problem of sex before marriage certainly lends itself to the risk of multiple partners. Even the most casual observer cannot fail to see how this complicates not only physical but emotional and psychological bonding for a woman. Each break up rips the fabric of the union and the tear is never without jagged, rough edges. Face it, break ups are much less painful if there has been no sex because there is less to regret and less tattering of the heart.

Let's say the couple is committed to marry, the date has been set, the cake ordered. Is there still a problem if you have sex before the ceremony?

I think so. For most women, consummating the marriage declares her completely his; heart, mind and body. And he is hers. Call me old-fashioned (please!), but why go through all the expense of a wedding and reserving the "honeymoon suite" if your wedding night is no different from most of your pre-wedding nights? You have a party and celebrate but the best, most private celebration between you (and, by extension, everyone else either of you have had sex with!), as newly married couple giving each other the ultimate gift of themselves winds up being anticlimactic (no pun intended!).

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