Can second marriages work?

Yes

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by Shelia Blackburn

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Second marriages can and do work. While they are not like second cars or second jobs or second homes, where the second may well be exclusive from the first, second marriages do not have to bear the weight of the first marriage's failure. Lessons learned and experience gained from a first marriage, even one ending in divorce, can aid in the second marriage's success. It is a matter of choice, though, whether one takes the high road or the low road. Casting off the bad and embracing the good will hasten success, but wallowing in the muck and mire of a failed marriage will result in history repeating itself. Again, it is a choice.

Sitting in a divorce court witnessing years of one's life relived in a matter of minutes, it seems impossible that anything positive could come of it. Divorce is about a breaking away and a dissolution, and it is never pretty. The good comes weeks maybe months later when the divorcees can distance themselves from the ugliness and make peace with the past. At that point, it becomes possible to glean valuable lessons from what remains. If they can see the truth with eyes wide open, they can commit to a different future.

Failure to embrace the truth after a divorce is the beginning of a downward spiral. The people who proclaim to have been right all of the time and refuse to recognize fault are almost destined to repeat the same behavior in subsequent relationships and marriages. A failed marriage is rarely the fault of one. People who do not change after a failed first marriage will contribute to the decline of a second. Even where fault is absent-where one person is victimized by the other-a change in behavior is necessary. Otherwise, those people will be inclined to attract similar situations the second time around, repeating the cycle.

While learning from a failed marriage and not repeating mistakes is the first obstacle, it is certainly not the last. Other people can contribute to the success or demise of a second marriage. The biggest obstacle, of course, is children. It is the rare situation where children readily embrace new people. There is most often jealousy and hurt feelings and, sometimes, total chaos. Dealing with all of that successfully is a necessity for a second marriage to survive and flourish. Ex-spouses, though they should be absent from the picture, will often rear their ugly heads and cause unrest. It is best to anticipate such and address it beforehand. If it happens afterward, though, it needs to be arrested day one. These ex-spouses have no place in the new marriage. Other family members can also cause dissension. They may be clinging to how things used to be and finding change undesirable. It is important to remember that it is not their call and, if necessary, to make that clear to them.

It does not matter how many marriages precede the new one, the new spouse must always come first. Other family members, particularly the children, have their place, but it is not the the place of the spouse. Until all of the cobwebs are swept from that place, a second marriage should not be sought. Once they are truly ready, though, divorcees-those who have survived and conquered-can remarry with the promise of forever.

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