Relationships & Family >
Marriage & Divorce (Other)
Get a Widget for this title
RSS FeedCan second marriages work?
Results so far:
| Yes | 92% | 1410 votes | Total: 1530 votes | |
| No | 8% | 120 votes |
Yes
Write now
Print
Invite a writer™
Add to FavoritesSuccess or failure of a second marriage is no different from the first or seventh and is determined by level of commitment and ability to deal with difficulties. Relationships thrive from effort instead of luck or mated souls. The secrets necessary to making a marriage work aren't locked in a vault; the skills required have become so prevalent they are often overlooked.
Communicate
Communication upholds the business end of a relationship by keeping each other knowledgeable of schedules, news and objectives. A more in-depth form of communications is the key advice provide to newlyweds. Successful couples listen as much as they speak. Instead of just hearing the arguments, each person accepts the other person's side as a valid point of view. Explanation and negotiation lead to harmony. For the exchanges to make a difference don't bother with manipulative words and blame and rip through the jugular to spill the truth even if it incites emotion and tears.
Show esteem for the other person
Individuals choose any word for respect or honor that motivates to action. The view from a pedestal is lonely adoration without interaction and always being the worshiper without reward becomes tedious. When one person always does for the other without feeling reciprocated, problems arise. Roles should be exchanged from time to time. A man who walks in the door to a hot meal, a cold drink and a responsive partner should and must return the kindness. Some chose flowers and gifts and others prefer the hands on of massage or taking a turn with cooking and clean up. No matter how the favors are shown, effectiveness comes from consistency combined with the occasional surprise.
Put relationship first
Second marriages become tricky in this area. The first marriage sets ideals; what works, what doesn't, what a person never wants to live with again and what a person can't live without. Previous experience also breeds jealous, anxiety and expectations when not dealt with honestly. Making the relationship Number One might require touch decisions, compatibility with children and consigning the past to history, looking at values and desires from the viewpoint of only one other and very special person. Clarify to others - exes, children, parents and friends how much the new relationship is valued and don't allow others to interfere.
Common goals
Couples entering a second marriage need to be clear on what they hope to accomplish together. Expectations in a first marriage usually focus on the passage of milestones in life, careers, home, children and eventual retirement. Second marriages may have the same ideals, but with specifics attached, whose career goals take precedence, whether to add more children or have a first chilled and where the couple sees the relationship in six months, ten years or on the 25th anniversary. Previous decisions, age and health can affect these future plans. In a second marriage consideration must be given for combining two households, where to work toward living, financing and how assets will be administered.
The secret handshake and other rituals
All couples develop a secret code. Individuals entering a second marriage need to forget previous rituals and create new ones. Celebrations need to take on a unique flavor from perhaps building on former traditions or trying out new possibilities. The first and most important ritual to develop is the gesture that ensures 'you belong with me and I'm delighted you are in my life.' This might be as simple as clasping a hand over her fingers tucked in the crook of his arm or the affectionate straightening of a collar or touching of the tips of ring fingers. Whatever the gesture is must have deep and decided meaning for both.
Divide and conquer tasks
While it may seem sensible to step into traditional roles, the household chores and activities of daily living indicate someone performs a service. Couples bogged down in tasks or relying on one person to serve while the other relaxes develop separate lives to the detriment of the relationship. Second marriages work when the two people determine who performs what tasks. Consider who performs certain drudgery faster and with efficiency. When tasks are shared both people must be able to live with the results. Hiring someone to perform certain tasks (housekeepers, nannies, landscapers etc) to perform certain tasks is an acceptable option. The sooner tasks are completed the sooner time becomes available for shared pleasures of romance or spending time with children.
Understand human fallibility
Everyone is susceptible to making mistakes and judgment errors. In second marriages these mistakes may be tolerated to varying degrees based on the ability to admit guilt and being willing to grovel if necessary. Marriages withstand all sorts of failures with commitment toward shared futures. Second marriages are often viewed as likely to fail in this area because of baggage from the first. Overcoming this obstacle is knowing the self as an individual and accepting the other partner as an individual. Habits and traits aren't reflective of the spouse's influence, but a part of the individual character. Knowing the other person's flaws in advance prepares the couple to know what to look for and providing encouragement and positive reinforcement when things are going well helps to limit mistakes
Second marriages succeed when the couple wants the marriage to work and takes the appropriate actions to make it happen. Additional incentive comes from familiarity as the weeks become years. Successful second marriages provide vindication of marital proficiency, but they don't just happen nor are they destined to fail without effort. Any marriage is only as good as the effort put in by joined individuals.
Learn more about this author, Lyn Michaud.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
No
Because the United States has evolved over the last 50 years to a country where serial marriages are common, a better way to pose the questions is, "Do second marriages work?"
The short answer: some do, some don't. Although I am happily remarried, it's impossible to overlook the dismal statistics that suggest a second or subsequent marriage is less likely to succeed than a first. All of them appear to assume that the respective first marriages ended in divorce, not widowhood.
A 2002 report from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) suggested that 23 percent of second marriages in the United States end in divorce after 5 years. Some 39 percent have gone down the tubes after a decade.
Psychologist Jennifer Baker of Springfield, MO, indicates that while 50 percent of all U.S. marriages end in divorce, a whopping 67 percent of second unions and 74 percent of third attempts end up in divorce decrees.
Why are second marriages so likely to fail? There are half a dozen very basic reasons:
1. Economics: Couples who have gone through divorces from prior marriages have often suffered economic setbacks as a result of terminating the marriage. The prospect of a second marriage is littered with financial concerns such as child and/or spousal support, real estate still unsold, and debts to be paid. This is not the soundest foundation on which to start another union.
2. Blended families: His, hers, and maybe ours? The tensions from combining families and starting a brand new one are about a mile high. Add to the recipe new grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other members of a tribe. Some teenagers cannot even explain to you how they are related to various stepparents when there is a history of serial marriages. Custody and visitation battles can go on for years.
3. Career changes: He's a teacher in Illinois. She's a media consultant in Wisconsin. Who's going to move? And what if that spouse can't find a job in the new locale?
4. Former friends: Very few who knew both a husband and a wife are able to maintain positive friendships with both after a couple divorces. It becomes even harder after a divorced partner remarries. Do they even want to meet the new spouse?
5. Living space: This issue cuts across several others on the list. Many couples who invest in a second marriage choose to leave their respective residences behind and find a new one. If they both have children, this can mean uprooting an entire gaggle of people. Issues of a new school district, commuting to work, and volunteer activities are all uprooted.
6. History of failure: Probably the baggage with the greatest impact on a second marriage is a history of failure. If you failed to get a job with a company you really liked, you might eventually work for the firm. However, you will never have the same enthusiasm you had when you first interviewed. So it is with failure. We learn from it, we overcome it, and we go on in life. But often we let it overshadow a current relationship, even years later.
Learn more about this author, Vonda Sines.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.
Difference of opinion? Debate now.
- Marriage & Divorce (Other)
- Has the sacred character of marriage been lost?
- Marriage: Is it relevant or nearing extinction?
