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Can second marriages work?
Results so far:
| Yes | 90% | 1610 votes | Total: 1790 votes | |
| No | 10% | 180 votes |
Yes
by Sophia Tesch
Created on: February 25, 2009
Divorce can be one of the most painful experiences that a human can endure. It is natural after experiencing that type of pain to ask the question "Can second marriages work?" and the answer is Yes! After some personal preparation a second marriage can work.
A common mistake people coming out of divorce make is to rush into a new relationship too quickly. Temptation is strong to escape from the emotional pain and loneliness of divorce by submerging oneself into a new affair. This type of relationship is less likely to last because no time was taken to review what issues may have caused the previous marriage to fail. It is important to take some time not only to heal from the previous relationship but to take an inventory about what worked and what didn't.
It is easy to say the other person in the marriage was completely responsible for its failure. When some time has passed and one can reflect on the issues from both sides of the marriage strengths and weaknesses can be seen more clearly. Often some learning is required, some truths told to one's self, and some new ways of coping established in order to enter a second marriage as a person who is able to sustain a long term relationship.
Another purpose of time alone is to become a whole person. It is possible that a previous marriage didn't work because a marriage partner was expected to fill a personal gap. The hope in turn is that a new partner can then fill such a gap and this sets a relationship up for failure. It is important that each partner entering a marriage is in his or her own way whole. It is good for personalities to compliment each other so that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts , not a crutch on which one or both partners are leaning on. A marriage must be entered into not because a couple feels they need to, a successful marriage is entered into because the people involved want to.
Second marriages can bring with them more complications and stresses than a first marriage. If there are children involved from previous marriages there are relationships to be built with them. Many times this involves some sort of interaction with ex-spouses. Boundaries must be put into place and an understanding that nothing will come between the health and happiness of the partnership of the second marriage.
Many times when a couple enters into a second marriage they have learned from past mistakes, are more mature and self assured in their outlook on life and are more prepared to enter a long term loving relationship. People who have a better sense of who they are as individuals and what their personal boundaries are have a very good chance of having a fulfilling and successful second marriage that can truly last a lifetime.
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No
by Vonda J. Sines
Created on: April 08, 2008
Because the United States has evolved over the last 50 years to a country where serial marriages are common, a better way to pose the questions is, "Do second marriages work?"
The short answer: some do, some don't. Although I am happily remarried, it's impossible to overlook the dismal statistics that suggest a second or subsequent marriage is less likely to succeed than a first. All of them appear to assume that the respective first marriages ended in divorce, not widowhood.
A 2002 report from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) suggested that 23 percent of second marriages in the United States end in divorce after 5 years. Some 39 percent have gone down the tubes after a decade.
Psychologist Jennifer Baker of Springfield, MO, indicates that while 50 percent of all U.S. marriages end in divorce, a whopping 67 percent of second unions and 74 percent of third attempts end up in divorce decrees.
Why are second marriages so likely to fail? There are half a dozen very basic reasons:
1. Economics: Couples who have gone through divorces from prior marriages have often suffered economic setbacks as a result of terminating the marriage. The prospect of a second marriage is littered with financial concerns such as child and/or spousal support, real estate still unsold, and debts to be paid. This is not the soundest foundation on which to start another union.
2. Blended families: His, hers, and maybe ours? The tensions from combining families and starting a brand new one are about a mile high. Add to the recipe new grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other members of a tribe. Some teenagers cannot even explain to you how they are related to various stepparents when there is a history of serial marriages. Custody and visitation battles can go on for years.
3. Career changes: He's a teacher in Illinois. She's a media consultant in Wisconsin. Who's going to move? And what if that spouse can't find a job in the new locale?
4. Former friends: Very few who knew both a husband and a wife are able to maintain positive friendships with both after a couple divorces. It becomes even harder after a divorced partner remarries. Do they even want to meet the new spouse?
5. Living space: This issue cuts across several others on the list. Many couples who invest in a second marriage choose to leave their respective residences behind and find a new one. If they both have children, this can mean uprooting an entire gaggle of people. Issues of a new school district, commuting to work, and volunteer activities are all uprooted.
6. History of failure: Probably the baggage with the greatest impact on a second marriage is a history of failure. If you failed to get a job with a company you really liked, you might eventually work for the firm. However, you will never have the same enthusiasm you had when you first interviewed. So it is with failure. We learn from it, we overcome it, and we go on in life. But often we let it overshadow a current relationship, even years later.
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