Are arranged marriages a good tradition or an outdated notion?

Good

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by Ronald Veda Royale

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I say good, but there is a caveat. If a person is from a strong cultural background, especially in a more traditional, ethnic or religious community, arranged marriages often work well. My experience is from meeting several Indian and Pakistani couples, and hearing their stories. I have observed that these couples often seem well matched, more so than American couples. They have a more traditional view of marriage that also helps keep them together. In a widely diverse, nontraditional culture, this may not work as well. Arranged marriage depends on strong social bonds, extended family ties and traditional values such as stay-at-home moms.

An important point here is that all marriages are arranged by someone, often the bride and groom. We could call this a "self-arranged" marriage. This could be the least successful type of marriage, due to the lack of oversight. When parents oversee the marriage, there is a much better chance of compatibility. In the arranged marriages I have seen, everyone ultimately has a choice. There are very few forced marriages among the more educated or affluent classes as far as I can tell. Social pressure, yes. Actual force, no. In fact, the families all have to get along, or else the marriage is called off. All in all, the success rate of arranged marriages seems better than the norm.

I got married when I was 22. I considered many factors that are automatically taken into account in arranged marriages. 1. My parents were of similar social and economic status. 2. Our upbringing was of a similar social status (middle class, white suburban). 3. Religion: My wife was very interested in converting to my religion (Jewish), and not just to please me. This was a process that took months, so it showed a commitment. 4. We shared a similar spiritual path (T.M.) which is in a way a common culture and social group. All these factors helped our marriage to last 17 years. Yes, we did divorce, but all the common traits we had made it a lot easier to stay together under some difficult circumstances. I still believe that these factors increase day to day compatibility, and allow a couple to be comfortable with each other and both families.

Marriage is about life. How in life do we achieve happiness? How many different factors have to be used to figure out compatibility with someone else's life style? The answer is that it is almost an infinite number of factors. However, if we simply believe that people of similar backgrounds and interests will get along, then it simplifies the matter. This is the method employed by the arranged marriages. This works, because not only are the couples well matched, but the entire social structure of both the sets of families will be matched. This is obviously much easier in a homogeneous society like India, but it still is an important consideration for anyone wishing to tie the knot. My own experience has shown me the importance of this. My father and my wife's father were both college professors, and could easily get along. This was a much more comfortable feeling for me than when my first girlfriend had a blue collar father. In fact, this was one of the factors in our breakup, along with religious and spiritual differences.

Wikipedia has a good article on the distinctions of various types of arranged marriages: http://en.wikipedia. org/wiki/Arranged_ma rriage. The information here points out that Indian marriages are often of the type called introduction only' where there is some choice by the prospective couples. I believe that is the type that works best.

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