Pros

by Zina Leone

Created on: July 31, 2009

If it was a different day and age, I would be saying elderly patients should definitely be cared for by family members. I've always believed this is the way it should be and I still believe that, but unfortunately, "family" is just not family any more.

Years ago, families were close and took care of each other but these days family members hardly even know one another. Each member is busy with their own lives, mom and dad with their jobs, children are being "raised" in a daycare, and teenagers pretty much rule themselves. The "family" as we know it is probably pretty much gone forever. I have three sons who live out of state and I never hear from them unless I call them. They are busy with their jobs and their families (mostly with their jobs, because their children are all being raised in a daycare.) They don't have time for each other, let alone me. When I get to where I can no longer take care of myself, the thought of going to live with one of them horrifies me. They hardly know me any more and I hardly know them, and sadly, that's the way most families are nowadays.

I've been on both sides of the fence, having been a nurse and care provider most of my life. I've seen all the changes occurring before my very eyes. Years ago when I worked in nursing homes I would cry because so many patients either had no family to visit them or no one ever took the time to. It used to make me want to rail at their family members because to me it was so cruel. Just because a person grows old doesn't mean he's no longer human or no longer has feelings, yet so many of them seemed to just get tossed aside. Back then there was just no excuse as far as I was concerned.

But, many years have gone by and now I'm on the other side of the fence. I have since retired from nursing and not too long ago I had to care for my elderly father who was dying. I had moved away and my poor mother and some of my siblings were struggling to care for him by themselves. They called me and begged me to come and help. I'm sure they were thinking with my background, I was the one most capable of handling things and they were right. When I arrived, I was appalled at what I saw. My father had not had a bath in months and his hair was down to his shoulders and he had a full beard. He was incontinent and the couch where he lay was soaked with urine. My poor mother, who is also up in years did her best but she really couldn't handle him. My siblings came by when they could, but really only to clean for my mom or mow the lawn. My dad was neglected.

Some of you will think this was abuse and my family members should have been held accountable. And yes, if any "authorities" had been aware of the situation, maybe they would have. But the sad part about all this is my family wanted the "best" for my dad and putting him in a nursing home was out of the question. They wanted to do what was right but they had no idea how to take care of him.

This happens far too often. Families that want to do the "right thing" and keep their loved ones at home have no idea how to be care providers. They are not cut out for it and they get stressed and sometimes do become abusive. Even when there are visiting nurses coming to the house regularly, they have no idea what goes on when they're not there. It's not like anyone really checks up on what's going on in a home where there's an elderly person being taken care of by family members.

Another example of how a family member could hurt a loved one unintentionally is when it comes to medications. You would think when a nurse or doctor gives family members instructions to give a medication three times a day; there would be no need for any further instruction. Not the case. My dad was being given his "3 times a day" medication every 8 hours, consistently missing a dose because one of the doses landed in the middle of the night. When I asked my family member why they were giving it every 8 hours instead of every 4 hours his answer was, "because there's 24 hours in a day." He was dividing 3 into 24 instead of 12, not even thinking there are really only 12 hours of daytime.

There are too many instances of the elderly actually being in danger when being taken care of by family members. It's sad because most are only trying to do what's right and they mean no harm. They're just not equipped to have such awesome responsibility. I regret to have to say I think the elderly should be cared for by professionals. It almost kills me to have to say that because I believe the elderly should have a prominent place within a family and always be treated with the utmost dignity and respect. Unfortunately, after being on both sides of the fence, I no longer believe families are prepared to handle that, especially in today's changing times.

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