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| Pros | 42% | 473 votes | Total: 1117 votes | |
| Family | 58% | 644 votes |
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Add to FavoritesIf it was a different day and age, I would be saying elderly patients should definitely be cared for by family members. I've always believed this is the way it should be and I still believe that, but unfortunately, "family" is just not family any more.
Years ago, families were close and took care of each other but these days family members hardly even know one another. Each member is busy with their own lives, mom and dad with their jobs, children are being "raised" in a daycare, and teenagers pretty much rule themselves. The "family" as we know it is probably pretty much gone forever. I have three sons who live out of state and I never hear from them unless I call them. They are busy with their jobs and their families (mostly with their jobs, because their children are all being raised in a daycare.) They don't have time for each other, let alone me. When I get to where I can no longer take care of myself, the thought of going to live with one of them horrifies me. They hardly know me any more and I hardly know them, and sadly, that's the way most families are nowadays.
I've been on both sides of the fence, having been a nurse and care provider most of my life. I've seen all the changes occurring before my very eyes. Years ago when I worked in nursing homes I would cry because so many patients either had no family to visit them or no one ever took the time to. It used to make me want to rail at their family members because to me it was so cruel. Just because a person grows old doesn't mean he's no longer human or no longer has feelings, yet so many of them seemed to just get tossed aside. Back then there was just no excuse as far as I was concerned.
But, many years have gone by and now I'm on the other side of the fence. I have since retired from nursing and not too long ago I had to care for my elderly father who was dying. I had moved away and my poor mother and some of my siblings were struggling to care for him by themselves. They called me and begged me to come and help. I'm sure they were thinking with my background, I was the one most capable of handling things and they were right. When I arrived, I was appalled at what I saw. My father had not had a bath in months and his hair was down to his shoulders and he had a full beard. He was incontinent and the couch where he lay was soaked with urine. My poor mother, who is also up in years did her best but she really couldn't handle him. My siblings came by when they could, but really only to clean for my mom or mow the lawn. My dad was neglected.
Some of you will think this was abuse and my family members should have been held accountable. And yes, if any "authorities" had been aware of the situation, maybe they would have. But the sad part about all this is my family wanted the "best" for my dad and putting him in a nursing home was out of the question. They wanted to do what was right but they had no idea how to take care of him.
This happens far too often. Families that want to do the "right thing" and keep their loved ones at home have no idea how to be care providers. They are not cut out for it and they get stressed and sometimes do become abusive. Even when there are visiting nurses coming to the house regularly, they have no idea what goes on when they're not there. It's not like anyone really checks up on what's going on in a home where there's an elderly person being taken care of by family members.
Another example of how a family member could hurt a loved one unintentionally is when it comes to medications. You would think when a nurse or doctor gives family members instructions to give a medication three times a day; there would be no need for any further instruction. Not the case. My dad was being given his "3 times a day" medication every 8 hours, consistently missing a dose because one of the doses landed in the middle of the night. When I asked my family member why they were giving it every 8 hours instead of every 4 hours his answer was, "because there's 24 hours in a day." He was dividing 3 into 24 instead of 12, not even thinking there are really only 12 hours of daytime.
There are too many instances of the elderly actually being in danger when being taken care of by family members. It's sad because most are only trying to do what's right and they mean no harm. They're just not equipped to have such awesome responsibility. I regret to have to say I think the elderly should be cared for by professionals. It almost kills me to have to say that because I believe the elderly should have a prominent place within a family and always be treated with the utmost dignity and respect. Unfortunately, after being on both sides of the fence, I no longer believe families are prepared to handle that, especially in today's changing times.
Learn more about this author, Zina Leone.
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Family
My first real eye opener to care of the elderly in retirement homes and other such facilities came when I was first starting my legal career. I did sundry types of work; whatever the partners wanted and this included some Wills and Estate work. Over the first few years I got to know some pretty fantastic people, especially in that area of law.
Most of our clients were "getting on in years" and I had the opportunity to get to know husband and wife and sometimes even their children and grandchildren.
I am fortunate in that I never had to make the decision; came close once with my father, and my choice as I shared with family members, was that I'd pack up my life and move to the city where he lived, so that I could be with him and allow him to live his remaining days in the comfort of his own home. He deserved that, and so much more; so very much more.
However, I've never had to make that choice about my parents, as they have both gone home to be with the Lord.
My argument in favour of family taking care of elderly patients is strongly supported by some pretty shocking life experiences I am going to share with you.
I had to go to a couple of government funded retirement homes where the residents did require medical and attendant care. I can still recall one, and to this day as I drive by it (yes it is still operational), it's as though I am experiencing it all over again. I had to go to this residential care home to see a client who was changing his Will. I got to the building and had to drive to the back of the building to park. Where I parked was a good 40 car lengths away from the building. As I got out of my car I was almost knocked backwards by the ''stench of urine'' in the air! It was a hot August afternoon, and the air was heavy, and I felt like the putrid smell was permeating my skin! ''Ugh. How disgusting,'' I muttered to myself, pinching my nostrils trying not to inhale the stench, and at the same time not wanting to breath through my mouth, because I could actually taste it! Well, sad to say, as it turned out, that was the most ''pleasant'' experience I had that day. On entering the building, the combination of smells of urine, feces, medication and something cooking made me feel sick to my stomach. I went to the reception and was directed to my client's room on the second floor. I took the elevator and on getting off of the elevator, was greeted by several elderly men, lined up along the walls, strapped into wheel chairs and other types of chairs, to keep them from falling over. Some were silent; others were weeping silently and mumbling; as I approached I heard one man asking for help. He'd soiled himself and wanted to be changed!
I found the client's (let's call him Mr. Smith) room and could not believe he was the same man I'd known these past several years. He was skeletal, pale and had no life in him. His once warm and winning smile; well, it was an empty mouth, devoid of teeth. I said hello and he seemed to look right through me. He certainly didn't give any sense that he'd recognized me at all.
I had to check with the RN on duty to make sure that Mr. Smith had not taken any medication for the past forty-eight hours that would be seen as having influenced his thinking such that he might be diagnosed as not being "of sound mind" at the time when he signed the Codicil to his Will. Everything was in order and I sat with Mr. Smith reading through the changes to his Will with him. He told me it was what he wanted and said, "Now I can die and go and be with my Mary." He'd been widowed two years earlier and his two sons were in other parts of the world and didn't have time for him; other family and business obligations. Mr. Smith told me that he'd served his purpose, that there was nothing more for him to do, and that he was taking up space in the residence that someone else could use.
Mr. Smith had given up on life because (although he didn't say it) life appeared to have given up on him. I wanted to take him home with me. I wanted to tell him that he was needed, that his children still needed him and some day soon, possibly, grandchildren.
I did tell him those things and he looked at me with such sad and empty eyes. It ripped my heart to shreds.
I packed up the papers, leaned over and gave him a gentle hug, told him I loved him and asked him to take care of himself, telling him he should call the office any time if he needed anything...or even just wanted to talk.
As soon as I got in the hall, I ran for the exit stairways to the first floor and tore out of that building. I don't think the door on my car was fully closed as I screamed (yes, me and the wheels of my vehicle) out of that horrible, horrible place that treated our mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers like animals in a cattle sty, just waiting to die! I can still hear the cracked cries (more like whimpering) of the little old man in the hallway, wanting to be changed. I wondered how long he had to wait. I told the RN about him but I don't know if she ever did anything.
We all have mothers and fathers. All of our mothers and fathers took care of us when we weren't well. They didn't throw their hands up in the air and shout, "I can't do this. I have other more important things to do." Some may have even lost their jobs because of a child with a permanent disability or illness, that required them to be away from work so much - because they chose child over job or career or whatever! Our elderly did that for us for a minimum of 16 years (more likely 20) of our lives, and at most, we are being asked to take care of our elderly, who may become infirmed, for perhaps 5 or 10 years maximum!
We family members can't do that; can't take care of our aging parents? Even if the medical condition is such they do require qualified medical intervention from time to time, heaven knows there are enough support agencies in all North American communities, that it could be done at home with people who care for and love the elderly family member.
The primary caregiver should always be a family member. The best medicine in the world; the thing that cures all that ails you, and if not cures, certainly makes things seem so much better is LOVE; LOVE IN ACTION! This care can be subsidized by professional care, but the professional care should not be the number one care for any family member, merely supportive of what the family members are doing out of love for their relative(s).
Learn more about this author, Velma aka Shammah.
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