If children behave badly, who's to blame: Parents or child?

Parents

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by April-Lynn Logan

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Before starting the full debate on this subject, there are a couple points that need to be stressed. There are exceptions to the rule, certain mental disorders and such, that make it almost impossible to use typical parenting skills on the child.

This debate is the basis of nature vs nurture. There have been countless studies done on the subject and if all points of view were strewn together the conclusion comes to be that both have a bearing on any beings personality. That being said, personality type has a huge bearing on how a person re-acts.

The belief that a child is a wild seed and can not be controlled or disciplined is only half true. A parent needs to be thrifty in their discipline. They need to be able to adjust their parenting style on whim and utilize things that are present to deal with a child's behaviour. The problem with this is that most people were raised by their parents with capital punishment, or other means that they remember as being cruel. They swore that they never would treat their child the same way. This in it's self is not necessarily a bad thing because we are a consistently evolving species, but there is a down fall. Parents need to learn parenting skills from somewhere, unfortunately, the most easily available role model it one's own parents.

The average child of today are severely under disciplined because:

They are spoiled by guilt parents that feel they are falling short.

They are bribed because that tends to be the fastest easiest route.

Then there are the worst cases, where the child is misdiagnosed as being ADHD or ADD because they simply have too much energy.

Here is an example of a misdiagnosed child. The boy spends countless hours being bad. He is constantly needing correction and when his mother speaks to him, it is as if he did not hear her. She takes them to the doctor having heard of the miracle drug and he is diagnosed as ADHD, he shows the classic symptoms. This same child is at a family function, it has been a busy day and the mom forgets his morning dose. A relative is sitting on the couch watching a television program when said child takes a seat beside them. The conversation starts about the easter bunny, and continues for about forty five minutes. The child is engaged the whole time, even though it is very difficult to maintain a conversation about the easter bunny. The said child's mom walks into the room, and immediately his demeanor changes. He is running around like the energizer bunny.

Further observation of the child shows that he is lacking attention from his mother, she has other younger children to take care of. The majority of attention that this child receives is negative. He has no extracurricular activities and spends most of his time trying to occupy himself. When he is bad he has his mother's undivided attention while she tries to correct his behaviour through words.

Children, by nature, need to explore their boundaries; there is no one in the world that has a child that behaves perfect all the time. Which means when the boundary is pushed, the child needs to be corrected immediately. Correction can be anything from a quick look from a parent to a time out in a corner. The golden rules of correction: Corrections should be progressive, Say what you mean and mean what you say, and finally Discuss, Discuss and Discuss some more.

Corrections should be progressive

There is no need to place a child under house arrest because they were participating in horse play in the house and something got broke. Discipline should match the action and progress if the behaviour does not change. Start with the look, every parent has one and, believe or not, your child knows it. If the child does not respond, then work your way up the discipline chain. Next could be a strict talking to and then maybe a time out. Be aware that some actions can affect the safety of your child, if your child's behaviour is potentially harmful your correction should be extremely strict and concise. You can discuss why after the fact.

Say what you mean, Mean what you say

Everyone has heard the classic, "If you kids do not stop fighting back there, we are turning this car around." In most situations, this does not happen and the children know that it is not going to happen. How about, "You have to the count of three, 1, 2, 2 and a quarter, 2 and a half..." sometimes, the child has no idea what happens when three is finally reached. These do not work if they do not mean anything. If you say you are turning the car around, turn the car around; most likely you will only have to do it once to prove you mean business. Using the counting system can be deterrent, but after two comes three with the punishment. The punishment should be e or brought to the child's attention before counting.

On the flip side, if you make a promise keep it. Things happen and sometimes promises have to be broken but they should be made up and explained to the child. A child needs to know their parent as consistent and dependable.

Discuss, Discuss, and Discuss some more

After disciplining a child, an explanation should be given. The child needs to understand why his behaviour is unacceptable and potentially harmful, especially when being disciplined at the higher levels. If a child is put into time out, it should be explained why they are there before they are released. This way the child can learn and so can the parent.

These are only some tips and ideas to help out with child rearing. If at any time your child is regularly misbehaving and putting themselves into harms way you should seek professional advice. Remember, a parenting class never hurt anyone.

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