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Always
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Add to FavoritesYes, parents are always parents. Even whilst going through the process of 'letting go,' they are still parents. From the moment of birth, I saw the first stage of 'letting go' when the midwife cut the umbilical cord from my son and I realise now that there has been a constant day by day letting go ever since.
I went on to having three more children, all now at different stages of independence. My youngest, a teenager still at home, obviously needing more parenting than my eldest who is married. This does not make me any less of a parent to my eldest than to my youngest.
Parents let go when they release a child's hand so that they can walk by themselves. Parents let go when they first drop their child at play school - ouch did that hurt! They let go a bit more when they first drop them to full time school. Then, all too soon, their children start secondary school when parents are no longer needed to take them or collect them any more.
The wrench a parent feels on that first day when they drop their son or daughter at university can cause a tidal wave of grief, totally unexpected. As parents fill their child's little box room with a cosy quilt and a box full of groceries, pot, pans and cutlery, they put on a brave face which covers quivering lips and a pain like none felt before. But the worst is to come when the parent returns home to the empty bedroom. Yet, leading up to this time, mum was secretly waving the flags with a longing for the bedroom which was now going to remain tidy for about three years! Such conflicting emotions.
It is during those early to late teenage years particularly that many of us parents find ourselves swinging to and fro between letting go and grabbing back. Grappling with decisions and trying to discern which situations still need a tight reign and which situations require us to hold our breath, watch and pray! Much anguish and heartache can be experienced during these years. This is still being a parent.
The frontal lobe in the teenager's brain is taking its time to develop. This means there is high risk activity, no fear, lack of understanding consequences and unable to see anything from anyone else's point of view. One minute they can be screaming 'leave me alone!' and then in the next breath screaming 'help!'. In some situations parents will decide to rescue and in others they will decide to allow their son or daughter to experience the consequences. This is one of the hardest places a parent finds themselves - letting go, but still being a parent.
Learning to let go is hard particularly for mothers, especially further down the line. The 'empty nest' can leave a big void after all the years of being needed almost constantly. This is often the time a mother needs to find 'herself' again, or discover new talents and purpose in life. This time of life often coincides with the menopause which only exacerbates the strong feelings of grief as she has learned to let go.
Does this mean she stops being a parent? No. Parenthood just takes a new form. A more distant, watching form. Being a parent now means keeping arms open but having the wisdom to know when to let their offspring make their own mistakes and grow through them. A parent with faith will be praying for her children but not meddling.
How about age - is there an age limit to parenting? My own mother is in her eighties. She is still very much a parent to me, but obviously in a very different way to when I was a child. She listens. She advises when asked. She never interferes. Although this kind of relationship can be found in a good friend, one thing a good parent always has above everyone else is that they have your very best interests at heart. They love you in a way no other does. (I say 'good' parent of course because I am very aware that this is not the experience of some).
A person that I heard about recently told of her aged mother's last dying words as she visited her in hospital. She bent down to kiss her mother when her mother said 'where's your coat? You'll catch pneumonia walking about like that!' That lady was a parent to the end.
In conclusion then, is there a time when parents actually stop being parents? I believe not. Once a parent, always a parent regardless of the age of their children.
Learn more about this author, Jan Beukes.
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Let go
There comes a time in every parent-child relationship when the apron strings must be cut. It is always best for both parties when the parent is the one who does the cutting. As parents, we raise our children to be happy, well-adjusted, independent, productive adults with their own lives. A parent never stops parenting, but their role is constantly changing as they go through each stage of letting go throughout their child's life.
From the moment you conceive a child you become a parent. When you receive the news that you're expecting a baby you begin preparing to let go. You let go of the fetus from your body and take it into your arms. Each stage of childhood is a stage of letting go: crawling, walking, running, playgroups, school, college, and adulthood. The image of letting go most parents first identify with is when their child drops the parent's finger, no longer needed for balance or security, and takes off walking on their own. What an exciting milestone for every mom and dad! We've prepared them for that step of independence and we beam with pride. The same can be true when our children let go of home and take their first steps of independence into the world as adults.
Parents make the mistake of believing when a child becomes an adult and leaves home their job is over that at some point they are no longer parents. Many have no idea how they will fit into their child's life, and they grieve when this transition takes place because their role seems to significantly diminish. No longer a constant participant in the child's life, some parents feel rejected, lost, lonely. Children go out into the world to make a life of their own and it's an exciting time for them, full of opportunity and decisions and promise and activity. They may not have time for their parents. They may seem to forget all about Mom and Dad.
I've always enjoyed watching toddlers play when they don't realize anyone is looking. Their personality shines. Their realest, truest self is developing, unhindered and free. What a glorious time! They get so absorbed in their own little world they are oblivious to anything else going on around them. For a little while they aren't thinking about where Mommy and Daddy are. They don't need anyone to tell them how to play. They don't need Mommy to pour invisible tea or feed baby-dolls their bottle. They don't need Daddy to make the firetruck go or put race-cars on the track. They are alone in space and time taking in everything their little make believe world has to offer.
Adulthood is no different. Kids move out and get homes of their own. They seem to be oblivious to where Mom and Dad are or what they're doing. Sometimes it seems like they forget parents exist in their big new world. They don't need anyone to decorate their house or cook their meals or fix their car or make sure they wake up for work in the morning. They have friends of their own and jobs of their own and parents are not a big part of the picture. But just like the toddler who abruptly stops playing and runs to find a familiar loving face, so does the adult. At times when you least expect it the phone will ring or the door will open and there they'll be, usually needing to know how to deal with some challenge or dilemma or showing off a great success. They never outgrow looking to Mom and Dad when no one else has the answers. They're never too big to strut their stuff to make Mom and Dad proud of their latest big accomplishment.
Paren ts are always parents but there comes a time when parents have to let go. Parents whose lives are completely wrapped up in their children have the hardest time making the final cut of the apron strings. They let go of their kids and discover they have no life of their own anymore. They are hurt when their kids jump headlong into adulthood with so much excitement and enthusiasm without them, instead of sharing in their child's exuberance. They've known only parenting for so many years, and some put their empty nest lives on hold just waiting for the kids to call or drop by. There is a better way. Just as kids are learning to make their way in a new world of possibility it may be time for the parents to discover a fascinating new world of their own. When letting go comes gradually with confidence rather than suddenly with dread, the parent-child bond remains strong even after the apron strings are severed.
Learn more about this author, Ceinna Childers.
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