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Add to FavoritesIf this is bad-ass Bill in a leather jacket competing against thoughtful Tom in khakis in a cardigan, then we all know it's no contest: We will love Bill and give him all the sex he craves until he Harleys on down the road to the next tramp-stamped, pool-shootin' little cutie. Play a pathetically sad country song and turn the page. We'll suck-up our heartache, granting that Tom will become "a good provider"; and, maybe, inspired by fear and pitythe natural consequences of tragedy, we'll cave and marry the poor slob. Bill got the trophy; Tom gets the lovely consolation prizes.
My generally infallible Intuition tells me, in this competition for my affection, our lovable but hapless "nice guy" will get the prize and still finish last. When this charming, thoughtful, polite and considerate character cannot quite go wire-to-wire, my heart will break and I will compassionate the poor guy even as I choose another tougher, more genuinely respectful hombre.
I gotta confess, first and foremost, I need a man who will make me feel safe. My cave-dwelling grandmothers taught me to rely on big strong men with very large clubs and perfect willingness to use them. When wooly mammoths roam the cul de sac, a girl's gotta risk it all on the guy who reliably can shelter, feed, and clothe her. Liberal application of the big club to the wooly mammoth yields fur coats and lots of elegant firelight dinners; who can say no to a deal like that?
The primeval need for safety persists, but now I can pick-up a raspberry vinaigrette mammoth Lean Cuisine at 7/11, I don't necessarily need the man that goes with it. My definition of "safety" has evolved along with my wardrobe and the technology. Now, "safe" has a lot more to do with a man's ability to "shelter" me by providing me sanctuary and moratorium. In other words, I need a man who can make me feel as though he protects me from the horrors of the great big world all aroundthat nasty and brutish place where banks fail, cut-throat boys try to steal my job, and would-be Vice-Presidents shoot wolves from helicopters. Does the field include a competitor who can shelter me from those atrocities? My safety also depends on opportunities to take time out from the relentless business of satisfying everybody else's demands on my time, talent, and energy. Although our circumstances and expectations have evolved, women's roles have remained pretty much the same: Everyone still demands that we nourish, compassionate, and guide all those who fall under our care. Is there a guy in the race who can give me the blissful "Calgon moment" I so desperately need?
Primeval need for "safety" also has evolved into requirements for tolerance, acceptance, and genuine understanding. The more empowered I become, the more I need a man who will collaborate with me. I wholeheartedly believe in the pop-psych adage, "Good alone, but better together." That geometry thing recurs: I believe in "coincidence," not in the sense of fortunate accident, but in the sense that our curves and angles coincide and complement.. Yes, a girl can learn a lot from dancing. I can tell whether or not a man not only can match my moves but also can anticipate and complement them. If he can do it on the dance floor, he probably can do it in bed; and if he can do it in bed, then he probably can do it when we have to snake the main drain in the house. Is there a guy in this competition who will accept and appreciate my considerable skills and bring his to complete the set? If el hombre magnifico takes the pipe wrench from my hand, he's doneposse out and game over. If, however, he clamps the vice-grips on the coupling, we have found the essence of true romance.
Given all of that, I feel compelled to ask, "What, exactly, do we mean by nice'?" Are we talking genuinely thoughtful, respect-worthy guy, or are we using a pretty little euphemism for "wimp"? Are we talking courteous, considerate, empathetic dude who actually will listen to all my thoughts, wonderings, and speculations; or are we talking metrosexuala guy who waxes and mani-pedis more often than I? I'd be really uncomfortable with a guy who was cuter and better groomed than I. Are we talking about a man who will install me at the center of his world, the object of his serious attention; or are we talking about a guy who still works for his mommy and expects me to pick-up where mommy leaves-off? When the guy's mother inevitably gets to sizing-up my joints and concludes that I'm a brazen hussy, will he reply, "Yes, mom, she isthe smartest, most stylish, sassiest, and best-educated brazen hussy you'll ever wish to meet"? Will the allegedly "nice" guy show that he plays for my team, or will he compromise everything for allegiance to Mom?
How does "nice" manifest in the contender's behavior? If he brings me flowers whenever he sees me, calls every day just to pay homage to me, holds the door for me, shares his jacket when I am cold, and generally observes the proprieties, I'll give him credit for good home training. But I'll remain incapable of determining whether or not he really meets the standards for "nice." If the so-called "nice" guy orders my food for me, takes me only to his favorite places, and confuses "expensive" with "meaningful," he's finished. Of course, I'll give him credit for exquisite taste and fine income-potential; but I'll also recognize how he's subjugating me with every move he makes. If Senor Nice adores me, we're done. Of course, I am undeniably adorable, but I'm even more respectable. When the guy adores me, he compromises his dignity and power; when he respects me, he proves he's a worthy co-conspirator, a partner in my enterprise.
Ordinary, everyday, garden variety "nice" seems a little emasculate. Sure, I loved Joe Biden's tears; everybody loves a guy who can talk about Home Depot and work himself into tears in the same 2 -minute oration. When Joe showed-off his sensitive-feeling side, I cheered, and I never doubted his toughness. Joe's just as tough as I; I can work with him. Does my "nice" new friend understand the different kinds of strength men and women bring to a shared enterprise? Will my "nice" new buddy respect my exceptional pain tolerance, my endurance, and my emotional stamina, complementing it with his raw power and decisiveness? Or will he just muscle everything around, thinking he's doing me some kind of favor by doing all the work? What about the opposite of muscle man: Am I gonna intimidate the "nice" poor schmo when I can lift more 90-pound bags of concrete than he can; will I scare him when I pound a big nail in two hits? Will my "nice" new companion play both nicely and well with me, or am I gonna kick his ass? Is this sensitive man gonna pout when I win fair and square?
If, in the end, we discover "nice" actually means "strong enough always to be gentle, respectful enough always to engage me, self-assured enough to accept the full measure of my love, self-controlled enough to sublimate all that testosterone into all that really matters, and still thoughtful enough to remember all my sizes and best colors," then we have a runaway winnerseven car-lengths ahead of the brute in second place. I've gotta admit, though, I'm more than a little worried": If "nice" means another well-dressed, too polite poseur in a Lexus, then even with all that horsepower under his hood, he will finish dead last.
A man who knows and accepts me exactly as I am, a man who loves me because of me rather than in spite of me? That would be "nice."
Learn more about this author, kieryn graham.
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No
What is a nice guy? Ask a hundred people and I suspect you would get a hundred different answers. I'm going to talk about the nice guy only with respect to relationships. Therefore I have a short list of phrases that I think most women would say to a nice guy. Why focus on the opinions of women only, you ask? Because, let's face it, nice guys get crushed by women all the time. If you have heard any of these words, don't despair. There are some fairly simple solutions to changing the label. These will be discussed in a later article.
"You're so sweet." Have you ever heard a woman say those words to you? If you have, then you probably already know that those three little words are like the kiss of death. Any possibility of an intimate relationship with her is practically nil. Sure, any woman will say she wants a guy to be sweet to her, but as a general rule she is just paying lip service to the idea. Most women will choose the "bad boy" over the "sweet" guy every time.
"I just want to be friends." The second most devastating verbal statement a woman can make to a "nice guy." Once again, if you hear these words, you might as well forget the hope that the relationship will go where you may have been hoping it would. She is telling you that you lack that certain something that she is looking for.
"I don't think of you that way." I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. It usually comes up after a couple dates in which you think everything is going great. Then....WHAM!...thes e words are spoken. Your heart immediately knows that any chance of a long term relationship just ended, but your brain may think differently. You may hang around just hoping she will change her mind. Please do not fall into that trap. Accept it now, and save yourself a lot more grief later.
Guys, lets be honest with ourselves. If you are a nice guy, you know it already, you didn't need me to tell you about yourself. So does this mean that there is no hope for you? Of course not! There is always hope. Stay in the race for the long haul and "nice guy" beats "bad boy" every time. Please don't give up before "it" happens.
The easiest solution to the "nice guy" syndrome can also be the most difficult to implement. That is to learn to put yourself first. "Nice guys" are generally martyrs, that is they put everyone else first even when it is obviously detrimental to themselves. I was a "nice guy" all my life until I finally learned this simple lesson. Now I'm still a nice guy, but I don't let people walk all over me anymore. It may sound selfish to you at first, but I promise you that until you learn this, you will continue to experience the "nice guy" syndrome. Being a martyr all the time can be a vicious circle....you probably feel best when you have "sacrificed" yourself in order to help someone else. I'm not saying that helping others is a bad thing, I am saying that if helping someone else hurts you, then you need to find a different way to help.
The second part of the puzzle is actually part of the first step, loving yourself. I have been in therapy for many years due to mental illness, and every therapist I have had has told me the same thing. If you don't love yourself, how can you love someone else? Or if you do manage to find someone, it is usually someone who is carrying a lot of baggage and is very needy. I am a former alcoholic, and as such I did some horrible things in my younger days. Ten years ago, I literally hated myself. It took a lot of patience, perseverance, and tears before I finally overcame it. Now I do love myself. I am not in a relationship at this time, but now it is because I now choose who is suitable for me to date, and I'm no longer desperate to be validated by the love of another person.
The third step of the process could arguably be the first step, it is to love God and trust him. If you are an atheist or agnostic, choose any power greater than yourself. I started the process not believing in a god, I used my AA group as my higher power. Now I do have my own concept of God, and am a much happier person as a result. It's nice to know that the big guy(or gal) has my back, I couldn't have a more loyal friend. Going to church is also a good place to meet women(or men) who have good morals and not nearly so much baggage as someone met in a bar. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, but if you meet someone at church, the chances are that at least they are looking for solutions and not the problem.
Sometimes "nice guys" are very shy introverted people, I know I sure was. This is the easiest symptom to overcome. Simple force yourself to meet 5 new people at each party or event you go to. At first this will be difficult, but with practice and diligence you will soon be a pro. Ten years ago I was so shy that I would turn red whenever an attractive woman spoke to me. Now although I still feel uncomfortable sometimes, I am generally the life of the party. My friends know that if the conversation starts to lag, they can depend on me to get it going again.
Finally, just in case you didn't get it earlier, women can be "nice guys" too. What I call the Nice Guy Syndrome is not gender specific. However, it seems that we think of men in this role more often than we do women.
Learn more about this author, P.L. Hubble.
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