Yes

by Rosa Lee

Created on: December 17, 2007   Last Updated: January 06, 2011

There's a reason women get turned off by a so-called "Nice Guy." It's not because we prefer the bad boy type, secretly crave to be treated like trash, or just can't see a good thing when it's in front of us. Nice Guys finish last because, when you step back and really observe one, you discover that he really isn't all that nice.

Have you ever noticed how Nice Guys have this deep-seated need to be liked by everyone, or else they feel worthless about themselves? They go out of their way to make people like them. They don't know how to say, "No." They're afraid that if they set boundaries, no one will like them; so they let people walk all over them.

Nice Guys say they have opinions and interests of their own, but have you noticed that when it comes down to it, the other person's opinion or wants come first (and second ... and third ...). A cynical philosopher once questioned, "If there is no one in the room to give a Nice Guy an opinion, does he still have one?"

This passive behavior is a huge turn off and makes the people around a Nice Guy want to scream, "Grow a backbone!" It is important for us to have personal opinions and views. Differing views keep things interesting and honest in a relationship. Unfortunately, Nice Guys refrain from expressing their views, even if they believe they are right. And most especially if what they want conflicts with what their partner wants.

Nice Guys want to avoid conflict, however this duplicity will haunt and ruin every relationship. By betraying their own interests and values, Nice Guys lose their self-respect. They create a vicious cycle. As they stifle their own views and deny their wants, these men grow to dislike themselves more and more. And, they resent their partner (family, friends, etc.) in growing proportions. Ultimately, Nice Guys end up hurting themselves and the people around them.

Under their amiable exteriors are angry individuals who act out in passive-aggressive ways. The people around them feel bad about themselves because of poisoned snide remarks, cutting humor, and unfounded guilt. Don't believe me? Think about the last time the Nice Guy in your life agreed to do something you wanted to. Did he "forget" to be there on time, "accidentally" spilled his drink on you, or spent the next few weeks "joking" about what he had to give up in order to please you? Beware the Nice Guy! There is always a price to pay.

Now, take a look at how this shapes a relationship with a Nice Guy.

Everyone needs their own space and time alone without feeling guilty. We need to have our own likes, dislikes, opinions, feelings, and identity. Individuality gives a relationship the strength and diversity to remain healthy, interesting, and exciting. But, this is not okay with Nice Guys. Remember, they don't like themselves because they've spent so many years quashing their opinions, feelings, and identity. Being alone for Nice Guys is nothing short of torture.

The Nice Guy will glom onto his partner. He smothers her with his expectation. He is a man who is always "bored and lonely" and now that he was a woman in his life, she is expected to fill his emptiness and spare time (of which he seems to have a never-ending supply). He wants to be together all the time and doesn't care what they do as long as she is happy (and he's not alone). How is this fun and attractive?

The Nice Guy expects his partner to give him a purpose and direction, because he doesn't have any of his own determination. Not only does a woman have to live her life, but she has to live his as well. Her Nice Guy is a little wind-up toy that goes where she points (usually resenting it with every step).

One of the most alarming aspects of the Nice Guy is his ability to fall in love with a perfect stranger and create a fantasy of how perfect this woman is within the first few seconds of laying eyes on her. After a couple dates, the Nice Guy is planning the wedding and babbling on about how all his problems are going to disappear now that he has found her.

The Nice Guy places his partner on a pedestal, and heaven help her if she deviates from his ideal. His life is filled with a gaggle of women who are "just friends" and if you sit still long enough, you'll discover that each one is an ex-girlfriend that he thought was "the one" until she stepped outside his idyllic image of her.

Let's face it; Nice Guys are not attractive simply because of what makes them "nice." They lack the healthy boundaries and assertiveness required for nourishing relationships. They don't express their own opinions, have unrealistic views of their partners, are too dependent upon others for purpose, and lose their own identity in the relationship.

Do Nice Guys finish last? Yes. And, frankly, they deserve to.

Learn more about this author, Rosa Lee.
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