Adultery: Affairs are a "forgivable sin"

Agree

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by Jose Astorga

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The world is rarely black and white and one area of life fraught with a spectrum of colors is that of relationships. There are some rules that all relations must adhere to in order to prosper; simple rules like loyalty, honesty, respect, patience, understanding and others whose origins probably date back to man developing reasoning abilities.

But even natural rules are often broken and humans are masters of mistakes.

An affair is one of the most grievous offenses that person can perpetrate on a partner. It is a betrayal that results in a complete drowning of all emotions-there is no air to breathe.

If a couple is in a newer relationship and one cheats, that relationship is doomed from the get-go. At this point the affair is simply a loud and clear message: cut your losses.

If a couple is in an established relationship of more than a few years, the circumstances may warrant a different course of action.

You see, when we cut through all the religious, political, and social edicts, rules and mumbo jumbo that we are inculcated with from the first day we enter into this world, there is one thing and one thing only that is as clear as day. Emotional torment will be inflicted on a loved one if the illicit acts are discovered. Betrayal is painful and emotionally ruinous to the betrayed; that is the only thing that matters not what some religious or societal misfits expound. And even if the acts are not discovered, the betrayal is no less painful because the affair eventually takes precedence over everything else. It becomes a controlling force and it changes the person caught in passion's tempest and how that person behaves toward their legitimate companion. An affair can easily become a dangerous obsession where those involved become trapped in a web of desire and deceit.

Consequently, it takes a very well grounded and loving individual to objectively forgive an affair. I say objectively because there is a difference between truly forgiving someone based on synthesis of the facts and circumstances versus forgiveness out of fear or insecurity. But make no mistake, although affairs may be forgivable, they are not forgettable. Affairs result in emotional scars.

Affairs are forgivable acts that come with an important and significant caution. The couple afflicted must step back and initiate change in their lives so that the root or reason for the illicit act is eliminated. Only then can a couple proceed to heal their relationship and themselves.

If one partner does not change then the affair will take place again. Both partners must change, but the partner that cheated must humble himself and be accountable. The level of willing change and accountability provide significant and important clues to the betrayer's state of mind and ability to change and adapt. It could easily come down to the difference between admission and correction of a mistake versus combative justification. One can be worked with, the other cannot.

An affair is a forgivable act because when couples settle into their own expectations, complacency and false sense of security the door opens wide for one or both partners to seek elsewhere that which they are missing from their relationship.

A person who has an affair is often attempting to piece together a puzzle that will never ever be complete. So he will keep trying to solve the unsolvable, unless the puzzle itself changes. An affair fills a gap that can be filled at home when partners willingly give of themselves, understand and communicate with each other.

Betrayal sucks and it can be self-flattering and self-medicating for the betrayed to angrily point a finger. But if a couple takes the time, dissects their relationship and can get to the root of the problem, life could theoretically improve for both.

If a couple cannot come to terms with their personal or relational inequities then the affair is simply a gateway to the termination of one life and the beginning of another. Sometimes, the best path is a new path.

Oh yeah, one more cautionary note. Not all affairs can be forgiven, as I've indicated before. Some humans, married or not, are simply predators where the opposite sex is merely a token of entertainment or convenience. For these predators, the world is their personal shopping mall. And when one is in love objective assessment of a partner is practically impossible.

However, there are patterns of behavior, even after an affair is discovered, that can lead an enlightened partner on the path to emotional redemption whether they choose to forgive or not.

One only has to close their eyes and open their minds.

But that is another story.

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