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by Kelly Ann Griffin

Created on: February 27, 2008

In today's culture, marriage is considered a "love it or leave it" status; when the love runs out, we can leave. A 2002 report from the U.S. Census Bureau stated that "The National Center for Health Statistics recently released a report which found that 43 percent of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 15 years." Loyalty is a profound, yet absent concept in the twenty-first century, as couples are now tip-toeing around each other with the attitude of "don't blow it, buster" secreting out to one another. The sure-fire fix for such a sentiment has become the test-drive prelude to marriage. Drive around the potential spouse, and make sure he/she runs well before buying. This "move-in before marriage motto" is gaining much popularity and fan-fare in today's society, but such a contractual motto stems from the wrong idea of marriage. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a contract. When a man and woman decide to marry, their decision should be taken seriously by all parties involved; no test-drive is needed, for marriage is a covenant that says, "I will love you even when you have a flat-tire, need an oil change, or completely stop running." Why such loyalty? Marriage is based upon an unconditional love, established first by a God who shows the same love toward us oftentimes wretches.

In a sociological view, many studies suggest that living together before marriage is a bad idea. Despite what society is screaming at couples concerning the benefits of cohabitation, a published Columbia University study found that a mere 26 percent of women and 19 percent of men surveyed eventually married their cohabitant. On average, a person who decides to live together before the "I do's" will never reach the altar, and eventually will move onto new partners. Furthermore, those who do end up tying the knot after living together tend to have a greater divorce rate than those who did not previously cohabitate; The National Survey of Families and Households released that "unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve within 10 years compared to all first marriages: 57% to 30%." If living together before marriage is an adequate test drive, than where is the error in these above-mentioned reports? Cohabitants should seemingly be almost divorce-free. Dr. William Harley, writer of the best-selling book, "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage," explicitly explains that:

"[Marriage] is an agreement that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs... But the commitment of living together isn't like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around. Habits are hard to break, and couples that live together before marriage get into the habit of following their month-to-month rental agreement. In fact, they often decide to marry, not because they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to each other, but because the arrangement has worked out so well that they can't imagine breaking their lease, so to speak. They say the words of the marital agreement, but they still have the terms of their rental agreement in mind."

The couple who has not cohabitated before marriage often does not have such a mindset and contrarily enters the marriage with a permanent perspective. And, with such a perspective, the couple's actions and habits toward one another frequently become that of acceptance and understanding. Fear of commitment is erased from the scene, as commitment is already established legally by a pretty piece of signed and stamped paper from the state government.

Yet, those who do not cohabitate before marriage do not automatically have problem-free marriages; many variables emerge when two people commit to one another in the marriage relationship. In Ephesians 5:31-32, it reads "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church." Here, the Apostle Paul is explaining two theological truths. First, a man should leave his parents upon marriage, or in today's language, not be already cohabitating and united sexually with his bride before the wedding day/night. Secondly, to the Christian believer, marriage is far more significant than our culture deems it. Paul reveals that the husband-wife relationship is deeply symbolic and representative of the relationship that Christ has with his church. John Newton's widely recognized hymn, "Amazing Grace," contains the lesser known stanza, "The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures." When my husband and I married, we had this hymn sung as we lighted the unity candle. To us, the symbolization of the candles being lit into one, signified a lasting relationship of us, as now one-flesh, and most importantly, of being one with Christ "as long as life endures." The Lord will never turn his back on us, he didn't propose a trial commitment to us when he saved us, but instead he remains our savior despite any hardship and any derision on our part.

Should one cohabitate? It seems logical to test the waters before diving in deep. However, as a nanny cannot fully appreciate and understand parenthood until she has her own children, one will not appreciate marriage, until the status is actually achieved. Marriage is not an act of convenience, excuse for a fancy social gathering, or a legislation that can eventually be amended and disavowed. Marriage is not for those afraid of vulnerability. Marriage is for the brave pair that is willing to get their hands dirty in the mess that people often conjure. Despite the ugly and unhappy times that will certainly roll in, those that step up to the altar with a dedicated stance, vowing a slogan of "give me your best shot life, but we're going all the way," those are the embodiment of true, faithful marriage. And that is a precious love.

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