No

by Maria Yanicki

Created on: July 28, 2011

People think that everything down to the last detail needs to be discussed, and in my view, this is just not true. This is also what most men think, and even though I am a woman and as such, I feel a need to "talk" it out, some things just don't need to be said.

Do I really need to know where he's been all day, what he did at work/school, what he had for lunch? No. The little, everyday things don't need to be discussed. It's nice if he tells me on his own, but there's enough trust there that he doesn't need to be tracked.

So what about the big stuff? Who should manage the finances, buying a house, or moving to a different state? Sure, those need to be discussed. As a woman with traditional values, however, I'll let my man bring it up first. If he doesn't, too bad. We're staying in the house we have. He didn't say anything, so I figure we're staying here. Discussions, I believe, are things my man should initiate. I will always do my own thing, and if he talks to me, that's great. I'll drop what I'm doing and switch hats, from masculine (doing) to feminine (feeling). And I'll listen, I'll be as soft and self-aware (this is important) as can be, and present my ideas when he's finished talking in a calm, stately manner. It's important to listen to him as he's speaking, and be self-aware. If he doesn't offer you the same courtesy and walks away, tell him the next time you see him that you feel (present tense) very upset about before. Don't blame him, because he'll probably stop listening.

So what if you need to be the bigger person, and start the discussion first? How do you go about doing that? Starting a discussion on your own because it's bothering you is very different from just starting one because it might be needed. I'll still wait for him to approach me. When he does, I will tell him how I feel at the present moment, and tell him what's bothering me, trying my best to exclude the word "you", because usually that means you're blaming him. For some reason, men don't like to be blamed for anything, even if they're wrong! So the only way to get them to listen is to present it without blaming him. Perhaps you're trying to tell him that you need a lift to the garage because your car is done being fixed, and he's taking his sweet time. The next time he talks to you, wait for an opening, and tell him how you feel. It could be, "I feel confused because my car needs to be picked up from the garage." or "I feel upset because my car is fixed but it's not here." And then I'll usually ask him, this is what I would say, is "What do you think?"

That last part is important, because it invites him to express himself without worrying about criticism. It's really important not to criticize him. You'll probably get an urge to do so. Acknowledge it, and let it go. Nothing will make him stop listening to you faster than a barrage of criticisms on what he thinks.

After he expresses what he thinks, acknowledge it, and then ask him whatever you wanted to ask or tell him. "I need you to take me to the garage now."

That's it. It's not a big deal to discuss things with your partner, no big story. It's when the lady starts yelling that an argument starts. If the guy starts yelling at you, just say "I don't want to argue with you" and walk away. It's that simple. He'll eventually get the hint and go away until you're both calm enough to talk.

Point of this article being, yes, you should discuss things. But in a certain way, and only about certain things, mainly, the things that bother you. If things need to be spoken about and it's bothering you that he hasn't brought it up yet, say that. Express yourself. No relationship moves without a bit of well-meaning conversation. It's the way you converse that makes the difference.

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