Yes

by Cheryl-Anne Jenkinson

Created on: May 14, 2010

In most cases the ring should be kept, along with any other gifts. To begin giving back items is to begin undoing the gestures of giving that have taken place. Just because it hasn’t worked out in the way you envisaged, does that mean the whole essence of the relationship has to be totally undermined? Isn’t it rather childish to say “have this back”, almost petulantly, or “I want that back”, when the item was supposedly given in unconditional love?

There seems to be an expectation that because a relationship is not going to progress to “forever”, it must have failed totally; it must find itself in an irretrievable, unpleasant, vindictive meltdown. Is that necessarily so? Indeed not.

Not every broken engagement is a “failed” relationship at all; it may be that its nature has to change, and there will almost certainly need to be some considerable emotional distance between you for a time, but that doesn’t mean you have to go separate ways and never speak again or share life’s triumphs and trials.

Some break-ups remain extremely loving and some separating couples actually become closer in the process. They cry together, lean on each other, and agree to be there for each other’s future needs - at least as far as any future relationships permit - just not as a couple any longer.

In such a separation, the retained ring is now a token of someone’s deep and lasting affection for you, an affection that overcomes “whether we got married or not”.

You know that person is still there for you, if you really need them. Or, maybe it’s just a symbolic strength you can draw from knowing they didn’t take back those gifts, because they loved you sufficiently to say: “please keep them”. Even if you do totally separate and never contact each other again, the ring still says: “you loved me enough…” It’s a reassurance.

Similarly, does your ex partner not stand to feel some sense of warmth and pride in knowing that, despite all the upset and hurt that may have passed between you when you decided to separate, you continue to cherish the ring he gave to you; perhaps you now wear it in a different way, on a chain around your neck or transformed into a new piece of jewelry – but you still love it, and you still think of him when you wear it. Doesn’t that make him, and you, still share a common bond, wherever you both move on to?

You should be able to have positivity, even in the grief of a relationship break-up. The fact that your relationship did progress to engagement was a triumph. The fact that it did progress to engagement shows a depth of commitment that cannot just be cast aside, even if times have been difficult. He or she is still the person you fell in love with.

You, too, are still the one they chose. When the air has cleared, and all is calm again, you may regret the action of giving back any gift at all. There is nothing sadder than seeing a gift you once gave to someone with whom you were deeply in love, now sitting unloved on your dresser.

Unless there’s anger or aggression, where you fear that retention of the ring may pose a risk to you,  or unless your ex-partner is pursuing you for the ring back - in which case he’s undermining the gesture of his own gift, anyway, and you should give it back - then returning such a treasured item can be extremely hurtful  and could even make it harder for that person to give meaningful items again in future.

Try to end every relationship with grace and dignity. This may include telling the person that you still really value them and would like them to retain all the gifts you gave, as well as wanting to keep - and still wear - any jewelry gifts they bought for you.

If in any doubt about how your ex-partner feels about your retention of the ring, never be afraid to ask openly as it is an emotive subject. Be prepared to hear truths you may not wish to hear, in that they may want the ring back - but in many cases their answer may be that they'd love you to keep it. The simple act of consulting them rather than just stating what you want, may help to mend any real rifts.

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