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Should you file for divorce before informing your spouse?
Results so far:
| Yes | 57% | 55 votes | Total: 97 votes | |
| No | 43% | 42 votes |
Yes
by Olivia Emisar
Created on: April 20, 2010 Last Updated: April 21, 2010
If we were all wonderful creatures, we would approach the end of a marriage with the kind of serenity and civilized behavior that would make Queen Elizabeth proud. The fact of the matter is that by the time someone has gone to the trouble of finding a lawyer and filling out the paperwork, the discussion about ending the relationship has been brought up a thousand times during arguments and somewhat reasonable discussions.
The vast majority of couples have one person with a foot out the door because the situation is not working for them. Promises have been broken. Behavior has been tolerated but never accepted. Lying, cheating, deceiving and even stealing, have been part and parcel of the relationship. For people on the receiving end of these types of behaviors, there is no point in discussing anything further and getting the paperwork in order while planning their escape route is the number one priority. They no longer care how the other person feels or what they want. Emotionally, they have left the marriage a long time ago.
The reasons for a divorce are many, but the fact is that telling the person one more time that the relationship is about to end is not going to produce different results. Filing those papers is the last step in setting oneself free while sending a clear and final message that the situation has a deadline and the train has left the station.
The one who can’t take it anymore is beyond counseling or communicating with their partner, they have reached the stage that is screaming for survival tools. Walking into the attorney’s office is the only thing they have left in their marriage that they can control. It is unfortunate that the only thing that can be controlled is the end of the ongoing nightmare rather than a rekindling of the relationship, but for the vast majority of people, those kinds of romantic scenarios only happen in the movies. By the time a person has made the decision to file those papers, there is too much hurt and pain and too many hurdles to ignore. They have been through an ordeal with a person they no longer love or wish to spend another minute with, let alone having a rational discussion about lawyers and paperwork.
The one wanting out has not arrived to that conclusion out of the blue, it has been a long time coming and, typically, it is when they are at the end of their rope when they reach out to the legal system to set them free.
There is no reason to tell the other person that you are heading towards a divorce yet again, simply present them with the papers and say: “sign here”. You have discussed it before, you have been promised change that never came, you have given it extra months or years for things to change and now, it is your turn. Divorce is the only decision in a marriage you get to make on your own.
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No
by Elaine M. Doxie
Created on: April 17, 2010 Last Updated: April 19, 2010
It really depends on the situation and the reasons for the divorce. In most situations it is not only ok, but actually desirable to work with your spouse either to prevent, or have an amicable divorce.
There are, however, situations where you should absolutely not tell your spouse that you want a divorce. I learned this the hard way. In any situation where abuse has been an issue, whether it is emotional, verbal or physical abuse, you should absolutely not tell your spouse.
In these situations, you are better off filing without their knowledge and getting yourself out of there with your kids before they even realize what's going on. This can be extremely hard to do if your first instinct is to be completely honest about everything, but you must be a little dishonest in these cases in order to protect yourself.
Do not let your spouse know anything. Do anything you can not to alter your behavior so that they do not suspect what is going on. If you use the computer at all, use a public access computer and not your home computer. They can install spyware on the home computer to find out what you're up to, and most abusers are by nature suspicious.
Don't even tell your children anything until you are in the car with them on your way as far away from him as you can get. With any luck you can time the day that he is served with the divorce papers while you are on "vacation" to see your family with your children. After he's been served, either have a place of you own to come home to, or stay on vacation until your first hearing.
It is not easy to keep secrets from an abusive spouse, but it can be done, and is necessary if you want to get what you need out of your divorce. What you need being a fair settlement and your children.
Abuse really is the only situation in which I would condone not telling your spouse ahead of time. I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, and as a result, I gave him the opportunity to take everything from me. I will not make this mistake again. Let's face it, I won't make the mistake of being abused again, let alone telling an abusive spouse my plans and giving him the tools to abuse me further.
Learn more about this author, Elaine M. Doxie.
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