Wrong

by Carolyn Tytler

Created on: May 18, 2010   Last Updated: May 19, 2010

You've just been deeply hurt, maybe more emotionally wounded than ever before in your life. You've learned that your spouse, whom you loved, and with whom you planned to spend the rest of your days, has been unfaithful.  Your pain is almost unbearable. You have a great need to share the shock, the grief, and the anger.

Your children are regarding you with concern written plainly on their faces, wondering what has caused your obvious distress. Should you share the news with them? The results of the tragedy will deeply impact their lives as well as your own. Don't they have a right to know the cause and just who is responsible for the upcoming disruption of their stable and secure home life?

The answer is "No, no, a thousand times no!".  Take a minute to stop and think before you lash out before your children about the moral failings of their other parent.

You love your children and would never do anything to hurt them. Think! To hear hateful rhetoric, accusations and vitriolic comments levied by one parent against the other is almost certain to cause them serious and perhaps lasting emotional damage. 

The concept of infidelity and what it implies is completely inappropriate in a child's world. At best, it will not be understood, and this is certainly not the time for that talk about the birds and the bees.

Infidelity in marriage is a matter between the partners. You were the ones who took the marriage vows.  As one of the spouses, you presumably entered the union of your own free will. If  subsequent events prove you made an unwise choice, the mistake is yours. It has nothing to do with the children. Don't burden them with consequences of your own misguided decision.

There will be probably be significant and unpreventable disruption in the children's lives in the near future. Their stable, secure home life will be a thing of the past. They will become members of a single-parent family.  Their  standard of living will be reduced and a beloved and valued adult presence will no longer be available on a day-to-day basis in their lives. Don't add to their difficulties with a disappointment and heartache which belong to you alone.

Children need to respect both parents. They are a  blend of the DNA of both you and your spouse. To hear criticism of either parent is to hear a condemnation of a part of themselves.  Although they may not understand the biological reasoning behind this reality, they will internalize the awareness at some level of their psyches, and it will have a negative influence on their self-esteem in future years.  

You, as the spouse of a philandering mate, are confronting an extremely difficult period in your life. You need support, a listening ear, a sympathetic response, and reliable advice. You cannot and should not look to your children to provide these.

Call a close friend or two, and make appointments with a social worker, your spiritual advisor, and a lawyer.  You made one mistake in judgement, but your life is far from over.

Don't compound the damage by dragging your children into the marital shambles in which you're embroiled. In the years to come, you'll be glad you resisted the impulse to do so,  as you proudly watch them become successful citizens and well-adjusted adults in their own right.

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."            Oscar Wilde

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